»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #8
»
Secret
| Teen Poetry #8 |
|
Secret |
|
|
Baby_Girl Junior Member
since 2008-05-10
Posts 21OH, United States |
Secret Secret burning inside me…secret. I feel as though I will burst if I don’t tell you…secret. Holding this thought… no emotion makes me feel as though I will explode…secret. My secret that I have to tell you is… I love you. Baby~Girl |
||
| © Copyright 2008 Kalysta Kimmel - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Baby_Girl, Nice to see another one of your poems! Although I admit I have somethings I would like to submit for your review, just remember I don't always know what I'm talking about... The first thing that grabs me when I read this poem is that there are many, many times the word "secret" is said. Whereas you can tell why this word would be said your poem is short in length so the repetition is somewhat distracting, I think you could get away with it being said once, perhaps twice if you include the title, or once in the title. The second thing I noticed is that these two lines are very similar in what is being said, "I feel as though I will burst if I don’t tell you…secret.", and, "Holding this thought… no emotion makes me feel as though I will explode" a case of burst and explode. I think I would choose one but not both, if your intent was for this poem to say a lot in a short amount of time I think one of those lines could be put to better purpose. I did like the concept of describing a secret in, "Holding this thought", I started to think about how one would describe a secret and I think this idea works well. I also enjoy poems of less length, I know you can make a big impact with few words and I think this could be one of those poems with a little more polish to the little details. Just a couple thoughts, like I said take it with a grain of salt, for who the heck am I to say what is right and what is not... Please do remember that I am critiquing the poem, not you, the author. Once again, I'm looking forward to seeing what else you have, for it is nice to see a fresh face with ideas. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
