navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » Just Another Solider.. I Don't Think So.. (My English Writing Story ALL INPUT NEEDED)
Teen Poetry #8
Post A Reply Post New Topic Just Another Solider.. I Don't Think So.. (My English Writing Story ALL INPUT NEEDED) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820
Australia

0 posted 2008-04-25 05:04 AM



Okay guys well its that time of year for us aussies when reporting comes around.. I'm writing a story for my english writing task and here's my first chapter. It's vital that i get as much critisism as i can so please please help me out.. oh also tell me what you think of the plot I can change it..

Chapter 1

It’s been 18 years, 6 months, 4 days and 16 hours since my father passed away. I sit here by his gravestone; dust the pebbles from the front. He deserved so much better. I deserved better. It’s been the longest three years of my life. I left behind my family, my children and my life to fight a war that may never end. I’ve killed innocent civilians trying to search for terrorists that clearly don’t exist.  I carried my best mate across the baseline when he got shot so many times in the shoulder that he couldn’t walk; he died in my arms that night. I’ve listened to telegrams from my children telling me how much they missed me and how they wished I could come home, but not once was I allowed too write back.  Right now there are 6,470,818,671 civilians living in this world of hate, some of them are running scared and some like me are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day whilst others are only now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, whilst some are good people struggling with evil. There are six billion people in this world, six billion souls searching for the right way home out of this darkness. I’m just one of them I’m so desperate that I’m leaning over my own fathers gravestone crying, I’m too afraid to go home, to messed up to go back, I’m just another soldier, I’m Rachael Evelyn Gears and I’m the first female solider and I’m promising you, I will be the last.

© Copyright 2008 A Typical Aussie Chick - All Rights Reserved
XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 2008-01-20
Posts 891
Neverland
1 posted 2008-04-25 06:54 PM


wow. I really like how much description u put into it. I'm not sure where the story is going but that's the whole point of reading one I guess. Sounds close enough to perfect to me!

        {~~*~~}

{&]ebbing.away.from*my.pain.}}
{~Emily~}

Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
2 posted 2008-04-27 10:21 PM


Wow i love how it came to a sudden twist at the end. Cause at first i assumed it was a male soldier but then when you said her name it came out with a different out look on this chapter. Like you don't have the common respect and slight pity of poor soul soldier anymore. I would rephrase some lines cause it sounded like your more stating something. Discribe more, maybe more emotion. (not that it didn't have enough) It just sounded funny.
In what I write I use alot of emotion in the beginning just to tie the reader into my story. Its just a suggestion. But this whole chapter is really good!! I prolly wouldn't be able to write it any better then what you have wrote.

~Zach~



RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820
Australia
3 posted 2008-04-28 08:34 AM


ZACH HELP ME WRITE MY STORY lolz... your an amazing writer so i like want u to help me write something amazing lol..
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
4 posted 2008-04-28 05:06 PM


lol Okay where should we start? lol
Because i don't know what exactly what you need help on. i gave you suggestions before. is there anything more i should give?

~Zach~



Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » Just Another Solider.. I Don't Think So.. (My English Writing Story ALL INPUT NEEDED)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary