I NEEEEEEEEED A TITLE FOR THIS POEM PLZZZZZZ

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maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

0 posted 2008-03-12 11:09 PM

HEY EXCUSE ME I NEED A TITLE FOR THIS POEM AND PLZ TELL ME IF THIS POEM MAKES SENSE AND IF IT FLOWS GOOD OR NOT ENJOY THANKS FOR READING HOPEFULLY IM NOT WASTING UR TIME

im crying
im dying
im denying
im lying
i just had enough of this
and im jusst acting tough like thiis
and i just  cant control the love that i have for you
and i just wish you knew
just tell me what did i do to you
because your the one who caused me to be in pain
causing my tears to fall like the rain
i just dont know what to do
because theres no way i could forget about you
all i could do is regret about you
because i dont know how to tell u how i feel about you
and i didnt even have a clue of when i fell for you
i just want to be free
like the black and yellow bee
and i just want u to see
whats going on wiht me
im in this place where its dark and cold
cuasing my body to fold
in this place  there are crows
and where there is a river that flows
the  black evill cat with black eyes
the dark gray bat with gray eyes that flies
this place gives me the creeps
and all i do is weep
and my body is turning white and pale
also it looks really frail
i cant survive any longer
im not getting any stronger
im turning so weak
and i have become bleak
i dont have any hope
and i cant even cope
i feel so alone
my heart has become like the stone
i just want u to be with me
i just want u to free me
i just want my soul
to make me a complete whole
i just want my sunlight
to make my life bright
it just that i could never get over you
i could never let go of you
i scream for you everyday and night
i dream abotu you everyday and night
just fill this heart up with joy
that i no longer want to destroy
i have had enough of this
im just acting tough like this
i just want to be with you
since the day you broke my heart into 2
since the day you caused my life in black
and wishing you could love me back
i have suffered enough pain
now i think theres nothing to gain
my body is turning white and pale
and it looks really frail
now i shall rest in this dark place forever

BY MEEEEE

[This message has been edited by maddorani (03-14-2008 09:39 PM).]

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

1 posted 2008-03-12 11:55 PM

Yes this is very good. but u might want to edit the spelling, it might be confusing for others. But either than that it was really good, i love it.

(library)

{~~*~~}

{&}Love*liesOfBeauty~[NowColdInMyHand]
{`~Emily~`}

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

2 posted 2008-03-13 07:22 AM

thank u so much

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

3 posted 2008-03-13 05:20 PM

I NEED A TITLE FOR THIS POEM

crimsonXnails
Member

since 2008-02-10

Posts 108
dark/little/heavan.:*:.

4 posted 2008-03-15 08:25 PM

hey hey,
this poem was not as good as ur others, but don't worry, ur still one of my favourite poets:P maybe fer a title, "left to die", "Confusion in a heartbroken land," or "wondering and wandering". idk, the last one sounded a bit cheesy now that i think about it. o well, great write.
!Tracey!

if you can touch me, i know i'm still only dying

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

5 posted 2008-03-15 10:56 PM

thanks for the suggesstions but where did i mess up on how come u didnt like this one that much

crimsonXnails
Member

since 2008-02-10

Posts 108
dark/little/heavan.:*:.

6 posted 2008-03-16 11:12 AM

hey hey,
  i really did like it, but the ryming felt a bit forced. you always rymed two lines together, and i think u could have made it better by making a rythem (ex. try
                               run
                               laugh
                               cry)
as opposed to (try
               cry
               sun
               run)
i really loved the meaning to this poem, so me saying that this isn't my favorite poem of urs isn't saying to much. it still rocked, ur others just rocked more.
keep up the good work.
!Tracey!

if you can touch me, i know i'm still only dying

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

7 posted 2008-03-16 01:04 PM

oh i get it now lol from wtu part did it seem forced cuz im jsut wondering

crimsonXnails
Member

since 2008-02-10

Posts 108
dark/little/heavan.:*:.

8 posted 2008-03-16 08:26 PM

hey hey,
  one thing that needed work was that you used the word "and" a lot. mostly at the beggining of lines, and it kinda sounded like a filler. like you just needed a sentance that rymed with the last one, so you could get on to the next point.
  good luck,
  !Tracey!

if you can touch me, i know i'm still only dying

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

9 posted 2008-03-16 08:44 PM

oh ok but was it still good which ones u did like the most cuz liek im not really good at rhyming i mean this was one of my 3rd ones but i guess i cant do rhymes or probably i can i was just trying ot impress my freind that i like

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

10 posted 2008-03-16 08:45 PM

u think im good at rhyming ones cuz through out my life i did non rhyming poems and nwo probably i could do rhyming too i dont knwo

crimsonXnails
Member

since 2008-02-10

Posts 108
dark/little/heavan.:*:.

11 posted 2008-03-18 05:21 PM

hey hey,
srry, ur last two replies i didn't quite get, could u check ur spelling?

if you can touch me, i know i'm still only dying

starpower
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 82
Utah

12 posted 2008-03-18 05:52 PM

hey that was a good poem

You can send me an email,
Thanks

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

13 posted 2008-03-18 06:32 PM

thanks umm i was saying that i never knew how to do rhyming poems because throughout my life i did non rhyming poems poems that didnt have rhyme now i could do both fo them because throughout my life i ddint do rhyming poems now im sort of starting do rhyming poesm or i could do both of them teh ones that dont rhyme and the ones that do rhyme hopefully u get it now wut im trying to say

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

14 posted 2008-03-18 06:35 PM

so you guys think i could do good in rhyming poems because this was one of my 3rd rhyming poems but i have 1 notebook filled up but the poems that are in there dont rhyme and now im in my second one hopefully i will get to finish this one by this year but in that one i have poems that dont rhyme and only 3 of them that do whihc is this one my 3rd rhyming poems but i have alot of poems that dont rhyme the one which is tears of pain that was my 1st rhyming poem and this is my 3rd

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