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Teen Poetry #8
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I did not Wish to hurt You
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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I did not Wish to hurt You |
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
I did not want to hurt you, when you supplied the bait I saw it once and shoved it aside By the time I knew it again I was ever too late When friends with whom you would abide Are to you your friends, your foes And every day your happiness must hide I know how the sweet siren song goes And how men seek what hurts them most Going from highest highs to lowest lows Waves that crash and fires that roast Words which fly from unthinking tongue Destroying that which matters most Thus it is that life is sung I wish that justice stood for all And for inaction hung You threw the bait and I ran with the ball And I am more guilty even than they Who knew what they did in the hall that day I had help with this one so some of the credit lies with David Eliuk and his amazing mind for rymning. Not one of my best peices but tell me what you guys think. What do I need to change? "Be Strong and Always Remember what made you you." Earl "Ooo!!! Ooo!! I know! I know! um...he he" Earl (Yes I am crazy) |
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| © Copyright 2008 Frank Robertson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
alright, the flow is really hard to follow. it just all the 3 lines, the ryhmes were awsome- but the flow needs quiet a bit of work, it doesn't roll yet. with a few better worded lines you could go a long way with this- the idea is there- but it needs a little help- but i did have some favorite lines in this, some of them were just amazing. -Kate and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
i agree. the flow is a little bit off. rhymeing was good but try to keep the discibtive words on topic. *u were being a little bit too much discribtive but nothing it wrong with that* otherwise this is really good |
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
Yeah I see what you mean. (AHA Thats what was bugging me!!!) hmm what to do about it though? I'm not realy sure, oh well I'll work on it later. "Be Strong and Always Remember what made you you." Earl |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
you need to do some serious remodeling, to fix the flow in this would take a lot of work with your syllables. -Kate and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
mmmm..Frank, I did love the words in this poem.. the flow started off nice.. but I feel it kind of lost it near the end.. but stil a great poem to consider working on  Krysti |
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
I've made a few minor changes and it sounds good in my head so... well we'll see. Thanks for the help guys, it's realy apprieciated. I did not want to hurt you, when you supplied the bait I saw it once and shoved it aside By the time I knew it again I was ever too late When friends with whom you would abide Are both friends and foes Every day your happiness hide I know how the sweet siren song goes How men seek what hurts them most highest highs or lowest lows Waves that crash, fires that roast Words flying from thoughtless tongue Destroying that which matters most Thus it is that life is sung Wishing justice stood for all And for its inaction hung You threw the bait, I ran with the ball And I am more guilty, even than they Who knew what they did in the hall that day "Be Strong and Always Remember what made you you." Earl |
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