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rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

0 posted 2007-11-22 10:02 PM

Not qutie sure where this came from....but its written guys POV again...and i dont think i like the last stanza very much...but that's just wut i wrote down...so any suggestions would b heplful

so yea tell me wut u think!

Don’t let her see that I’m still hurting

Don’t let her see her name engraved in my skin

Don’t let her know I’m lonely and insecure

And won’t let any one, no, not one person in

I don’t want my heartache to break our friendship

The only thing that we have left

I won’t let her see my pain

And I think that that is best

Pressure and determination

That’s what keeps me going

All so that she won’t know

And see the hurt that’s obviously showing

I try not to dwell on the facts

And try to fill my mind with other thoughts

But with her not in my life

It doesn’t fill a lot

I feel like a pathetic heartbreak

All because I’m stuck on her

But I really truly loved her

She was my everything; my whole entire world

I was faithful too my word

When I confessed my true love

I’m still faithful to this day

But maybe I should just move on

She’s the only one that ever loved me

She knew what I was all about

Still she loved an imperfect thing

She loved my inside out

I still don’t get what I did wrong but

I guess I’ll never know

And although she kicked me out of her life

She’ll always remain in my soul

Every time I see her

My eyes beg “love me again”

But she only looks away

And alas, I never win.

When will life go on

And this pain that I have cease to exist?

Will I ever be able to forget her scent,

Her touch , her kiss?

I don't understand why she was in my life

And why she chose to leave

But I think one day she'll realize what she's missing

And hopefully come back to me

Without hestition

I know I'll take her again

As much as she's hurt me, I love her

And I always will though it might be a sin

My Love, if you ever read this

This is how I feel

Hopefully someday you'll realize

That what I say is real

I love you, in spite of all your flaults

That's the bottom line baby

But one question i always ask is :

will you ever love me?

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

1 posted 2007-11-22 11:02 PM

wow its really nice i liked the end and it fits perfectly at the end the last stanza looks good

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

2 posted 2007-11-22 11:09 PM

thanx! but it still sounds a little weird to me...

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

3 posted 2007-11-22 11:19 PM

lol but i dont think it soudns weird

justanotherstorm
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 321

4 posted 2007-11-22 11:19 PM

yea the endin its aight i guess but its a cool poem

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

5 posted 2007-11-23 12:02 PM

thanx ppls...

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

6 posted 2007-11-23 12:11 PM

ur welcome

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

7 posted 2007-11-23 09:11 PM

Will I ever be able to forget her scent,
Her touch , her kiss?

Oh Leah this was amazing I loved it and that was my favorite part, my second fav. was the last stanza. Very nicely written

Krysti

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

8 posted 2007-11-23 09:27 PM

can someone plz read mine too its called darkness blackness sadness suppression adn depression plz i need to see if the ending is good well thanks and i liek her poems she does rite good

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

9 posted 2007-11-23 09:45 PM

krysti: really? awww thank u!!! did u really like the last stanza?? hmmm maybe its not that bad then...well thanx again!!!! btw i havent talked to u in a while ...i miss ya!!!! ima email u soon k!!!

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

justanotherstorm
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 321

10 posted 2007-11-23 10:01 PM

what are u ppl talkin about it sucked i h8ted it u need to get outta here what the hell was this haha jk jk for reall i was kiddin V dont h8 me yeah its aight its cool

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

11 posted 2007-11-23 10:04 PM

ghhh W ur soooo mean...i can tell u didnt like it...fine...ill go write a depressing one now just cuz of u....lol jk..i love u! but ur still mean!

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

justanotherstorm
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 321

12 posted 2007-11-23 10:08 PM

im sorry

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

13 posted 2007-11-23 10:18 PM

heheh jk!

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

jbal892
Member

since 2007-11-25

Posts 58

14 posted 2007-11-26 10:44 PM

I liked it. But yea you're right, I didn't like the last stanza that much. Good words but the flow just doesn't go with the rest of the poem very much. I could really relate to this poem aswell through my entire last year in highschool and finally i broke off of my ex and now I'm happier than I've ever been with my current girlfriend.

justanotherstorm
Member

since 2007-10-24

Posts 321

15 posted 2007-11-26 11:06 PM

i agree wit jbal892

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

16 posted 2007-11-26 11:07 PM

wel... do u have n e ideas of what i could do to change it??? yea its a tough road getting over someone u still love but its usually worth it in the end and then u realize that they so were not worthy of u or that u could do better or just that they were a life lesson to learn.

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

17 posted 2007-11-26 11:08 PM

yo but u told me b4 that u like it! ugh...well yea i do to...it sounded weird to me when i said it and wrote it down.

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

LOSTinTHISworld
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 94
canada

18 posted 2007-11-27 05:41 PM

wow. i loved it, every word is exactly how i feel about someone. thanx for the share.

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

19 posted 2007-11-27 09:07 PM

lost one, ur very welcome! and thank u very much . im glad u liked it

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

20 posted 2007-11-28 09:54 AM

It was a nice write, a good beginning but in my opinion that is just it a beginning to me it seems to be an unfinished work, that it might need just a little more

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

21 posted 2007-11-28 10:08 PM

hmmm....well maybe if i get inspiration again ill pick it up and try to write somemore to it... thanks tho!

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

22 posted 2007-12-10 10:10 PM

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

23 posted 2007-12-10 10:33 PM

....
thanx

If i had to choose between you and breathing, id use my last breath to say "I love you"

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