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Biding Time
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Biding Time |
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thinktwice Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 125United States |
It was me the whole time Spilling hatred and distrust Over the edge, into oblivious Rage, thinking I must rise against The path I had been given And how strange I feel now, Spitting at the faces of Those who’ve given a darkened Soul so much to eat from. Even now it seems these eyes are closed, Blinded from the reality of my own bitterness, Deaf to the sounds of my loved ones Pleading for me to listen to age old reason, But I know, more than anything else, Only I am to blame for this I’ve felt the pressure building Between the deepest chasms of my soul, And now it seems the pit has overflowed With such ice cold hatred for the Way I was brought into the world, The wisdoms they told, and their reasons For such wants and those pills they poured Down my throat as if I was a child I’ve grown since those days of biding time Between tea cups of hell bent horrors and Exaggerated waves of rage always holding me hostage To such fitting pleasures, eclipsing all moments Of change, to a satisfied mind seeking air for The first time since birth. And to those who’d given such a darkened soul The reasons to ask, have only the beast to feed. Soon, when the lion has been fed, his stomach for Pins and needles, small stakes and the most Heartfelt of anguishing screams has settled, They’ll be the last to ask what they’ve done. I take it back. It was them all along. [This message has been edited by thinktwice (10-25-2007 01:32 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Adam Wolf - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
To: Thinktwice My First impressions: 1) Title, “ It was them”, how cryptic sounding! 2) I had a hard time with the grammar, it seemed to have no rhyme or reason to it ( but I’m one to talk, my grammar sucks!) I’m not sure if it was your intention to have punctuation or not, some stanzas did others did not. 3) I didn’t understand the mention of the lion on the last stanza. I mean, I do and I don’t, first you mention a “beast” then you change it to “lion”, at least in my understanding of the words, but why not just leave it at “beast”? Comments: I really liked reading this poem the ending was well done, except the title seems to give away much. “You” start out saying “it was me, it was me” and then the end “it was them” from the title you kind of knew the blame would change somewhere in the poem. I would suggest a new title but from your critique message I’m under the impression you accept tribute and dislikes from your readers but you won’t do anything if a change is mentioned… correct me if I’m wrong… In many levels I thought about myself in relationship to the poem (is it common for us to compare emotions of others towards our own?) and I enjoyed your descriptions. Thanks for sharing, it’s been an interesting experience. ~Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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thinktwice Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 125United States |
Thanks for commenting. I didn't read over it nearly enough before I posted it. I'm always open to suggestion and enjoy very much when people choose to critique. I don't hold to any misconceptions thinking I'm a decent writer. ___ There isn't meant to be any intentional rhyme scheme. Each line isn't a complete thought. If you had to think twice or read some over again, I'm fine with that. The "lion" does refer to the beast. It's actually a reference to Jack Kerouac's 'Dharma Bombs'. The direct quote is, "My den is full and my lion is fed". Of course you wouldn't understand the lion reference, if you weren't familiar with the quote. I hoped if anyone had the fortune of reading Dharma Bombs, might get greater understanding for it as a whole. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
"There isn't meant to be any intentional rhyme scheme. Each line isn't a complete thought. If you had to think twice or read some over again, I'm fine with that. " I didn't notice that there wasn't a rhyme scheme, I figured that your style of writing was more free verse. Since each line is not a complete thought it's harder to read this poem. You run all the sentences together and it's hard to tell where you should pause when reading, IMO. And... I don't know what I'm talking about  ~Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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thinktwice Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 125United States |
free verse would be correct. It was in typical letter format and i attempted to break it down to make it an easier read. Really, it was the second to last verse which made it more difficult to edit. |
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