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How Things Have Changed
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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How Things Have Changed |
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Alaina Member
since 2007-06-16
Posts 106 |
Oh baby, you're laughing like a child, And it's making me ill The glow you put in her eyes Reminds me of dreams you couldn't fulfill I'm watching you like a movie Remember when I had the leading role? Strange how things change, It's about time karma took its toll Same story, someone new in my place Watching my life on repeat never gets old Now, I'm just a whisper in the wind, Remember that when it starts to get cold I'm here to make sure you feel that regret Watching through the clouds, I get my own personal play It's about the life I used to have, All before your lies blew me away I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine? |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Alaina, Wow! I had a hard time with this one for awhile, there are so many neat things you’ve done or could do in this poem. There are a lot of things that I like and some things I dislike in this poem. I’m not sure where to start… I don’t want to presume when looking at a poem. Please remember I’m just another person in the crowd with no real poetry background so everything thing I say should be taken with a measure of precaution for it is very likely I am wrong in some suggestions. And yet… here we go: Oh baby, you're laughing like a child, And it's making me ill The glow you put in her eyes Reminds me of dreams you couldn't fulfill This part, L1 and L2, really strikes me, I’m not quite sure why, I think it is because of the change of a preconceived idea in where you were going with this, it’s a nice surprise. ”I'm watching you like a movie Remember when I had the leading role? Strange how things change, It's about time karma took its toll” I thought about this stanza for awhile, it’s a hard one to fathom all at once. I love the movie concept, I think you should play it up more, keep with the theme. I do find L3 to be bulky on the tongue I would reword the line to make it flow well, yet still keeping the general idea. The karma line I find unnecessary, it detracts from the movie idea that I would like to see more of, but of course this is up to you on what you do. ”Same story, someone new in my place Watching my life on repeat never gets old Now, I'm just a whisper in the wind, Remember that when it starts to get cold” L1 I once again find to be a bit bulky on the tongue, if you know what I mean. Same story sounds fine to me when I read it but then when you put, “ some new in my place”, it’s a mouthful the feel, the flow, of the poem is lost. “I'm here to make sure you feel that regret Watching through the clouds, I get my own personal play It's about the life I used to have, All before your lies blew me away” L1 is… confusing to me, you mention regret, the person in this poem wants to make them feel regret but for what? For the fact that they’ve replaced “you”? I think that another stanza between this one and the 3rd to explain what regret is supposed to be felt would be a more complete feel. L4 is nice, I would drop the “all” but the rest… delicious, the idea from the 3rd stanza that “you” are a “whisper in the wind” and then “you” were blown away by the lies told is a nice touch, plays upon itself. Ok, ok, now that you’ve listened to my mindless wanderings I hope your not confused or offended by my suggestions. I tried to hit upon some basic ideas but knowing me I probably sent you in circles. As a little disclaimer: I do not know if this is written from something that happened in your life, or if this is pure imagination at work, but if it is written from past/present experience and you find my meddling offensive, tell me. I do not want to cause harm where none is necessary. Since I cannot assume everyone is writing from experience, or not, I tend to go with the idea that it is not related to their current status in life, and in doing so I am assuming… Basically what I’m trying to say is if you were offended it was not my intention. As always; ~Stargal "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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Alaina Member
since 2007-06-16
Posts 106 |
thank you so much and i completely agree with you on the movie concept. i got that idea towards the middle of the poem but i wasn't quite sure what to do with it at that point. i don't really have much time right now, but when i do i'm definitely going to re-write this and focus more on that...again, thank you so much i really appreciate your critiques I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine? |
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