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Teen Poetry #8
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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2007-06-27 09:35 AM



run a little further,
maybe you will reach me in time,
then cut a little deeper,
as you read out every line.

strange as though it is,
your my angel and my demon.
you are my heaven and my hell.
you are every breath i breathe in,
your every scream i may yell.

i can not live without you,
but i cant stand you at my side,
your every single mistake i make,
yet i cant cover up your shine.

i love you and i hate you,
and maybe were a bit cliche'
we were once so close,
and now were struggling for our space.

im not saying you were wrong,
im not saying i am right,
im saying were not perfect,
but we still have our shine.

I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty.
-Edgar Allan Poe-

© Copyright 2007 Bryan Lucas - All Rights Reserved
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
1 posted 2007-06-27 10:12 AM


your critique message says to not tell you anything you don't want to hear. I don't know what that would be! LOL I am not trying to be rude, just tell you that the way you spelled 'you're' (you spelled it your) is distracting. But beyond that, this was a good write
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062
In Love <3
2 posted 2007-06-27 12:19 PM


my guy friend totally feels this way about a girl, would you mind if i showed him your poem? it may just make him feel a little better. thanks again for your wonderful stuff.

and if i had to choose between the whole world and you- there would be no competition

-Amanda Ann (my best friend)

Alaina
Member
since 2007-06-16
Posts 106

3 posted 2007-06-27 06:18 PM


i loved the ending, i don't think it would have been better if you tied it together any other way. great work

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine?
-Eddie Vedder

Jezzika
Member
since 2005-01-05
Posts 154
work
4 posted 2007-06-27 09:52 PM


"im not saying you were wrong,
im not saying i am right,"

This part was so great!!
This whole poem has so much emotion.. I love it....

One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag

WaterFairy103
Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196

5 posted 2007-06-27 10:21 PM


Amazing, as always.  

I've stopped fighting my inner demons... we're on the same side now.

surf_painter
Member
since 2007-04-10
Posts 434
Canada
6 posted 2007-07-03 04:57 PM


i liked the flow it was nice
great job

hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
7 posted 2007-07-05 05:41 PM


wow I really really loved this. you never cease to amazing my CO.
hunnie.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

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