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Teen Poetry #8

What Was I Too You?

myheartbleedsrazorblades
Junior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 13
Canada

0 posted 2007-06-16 02:15 AM

Here I am, by myself again,
Can you even see me?
After the times we spent, the laughs we had
Why can't you hear my plea?

What'd I do to desevre this test
I swear that I don't know.
If you'd simply stop, give me a second,
I ache from head to toe.

For whatever it is, I want to change
Without you it's hard to live.
And how can our relationship grow
If you can not forgive?

But as the days went by and still I got nothing
I gave up my hopes on you.
'Cause why would I want a friend like this,
I doubt if your kindness was true.

Was I just a simple phase for you
Someone to end your woes?
And when you decided I was past my date
You'd treat me like one of your foes.

But I don't need that and I dont need you,
I know I deserve better than this.
And in the end you will see, that it's you and not me
Who's living in the dark abyss.

Look on the bright side of life. Dont take it all to seriuosly!

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2007-06-16 02:21 AM

the emotion in this is soo strong but the rhymes feel forced. your critique says you want to get better, keep the emotion but just try not to "make" it rhyme.
It's very good.

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

2 posted 2007-06-16 06:29 AM

wow very strong poem i liked this poem it had such courage

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2007-06-19 01:52 AM

ohh I liked this off in the ryme tho in some part but still good.
hunnie.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2007-06-19 05:46 PM

Kay I must ask you all this because Chris seems so sure I am wrong, haha when is that new news

What to do you think would be appropriate in the title, two, too, or to.
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

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