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Teen Poetry #8
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Killing time as time kills me
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Killing time as time kills me |
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stormdancer Junior Member
since 2007-05-10
Posts 31state of confustion |
Killing time as time kills me No one said it would be easy no one ever said it would be this hard dreading tomarow, hating today can’t let myself feel happy, can’t let down my guard Cause crashing leaves me in the dust blinding me, choking me better to lie here, let the dust settle than trying to stand, stirring debris Time overflows, more than I know what to do with always looking for ways to throw it away killing time as time kills me This is how i’m living every day Wake up, another month’s gone by notice i’m in the same place feeling the same things nothin’s different, but the tears on my face God i’ve messed up my life here I am ten months later The same fragile soul I know I could be so much greater |
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| © Copyright 2007 Bethel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Stormdancer, I liked your poem! The idea of "killing time as time kills me" is wonderful, ironic, tragic and with a title like that, who can't help taking a peek? A minor suggestion, I hope you don't mind. I feel like you have a lot of words that aren't needed to express what you are trying to say, for example; "No one said it would be easy, no one ever said it would be this hard" You could make this much easier to read and, in my opinion, more dramatic if you, maybe, did something like this; "No one said it would be easy, or this hard... " Not that exactly, but I hope you see what I'm trying to say. I think that if you condensed parts of the poem, like the part mentioned above, it would have a bigger impact on the reader, just a thought. I, very much, enjoyed the part where you talked about the dust and debri, this part added some nice images to the poem. Thanks for sharing this piece, I look forward to reading more of your work  "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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stormdancer Junior Member
since 2007-05-10
Posts 31state of confustion |
Thanks stargal. I know, isn't it a great title? How about this: Time overflows, can't handle it and this stanza i'll change to: Wake up, another month’s gone by notice i’m in the same place nothin’s different, but the tears on my face. If you want to check out my other stuff, it's in dark poetry. |
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