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Teen Poetry #8
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Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA

0 posted 2008-01-02 02:19 PM



I dont know if I like this one yet, but it does need a little work and I know that the last stanza needs the most work, but I thought I'd post it to hear your thoughts and suggestions.

"I sit here before this view,
wondering what life is about.
I wish I knew what to do,
so I wouldn't feel any doubt.

I gaze the blue sky above,
as the wind whistles in my ear.
Thinking why this life has love,
when it only sheds a tear.

Life is not what it's ment to be.
the cruel world, which it is to me.
Why is it so hard to love?
When our God is just above.

My loving heart's been cut,
as you slammed the thick door shut.
I will always remember your beautiful face,
but that is one thing I will just not chase."

© Copyright 2008 Derek - All Rights Reserved
fromme2U
Member
since 2007-11-09
Posts 257

1 posted 2008-01-02 03:45 PM


Done from the heart by a true poet. I love your poems!
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
2 posted 2008-01-02 04:22 PM


it's great,

"Life is not what it's ment to be.
the cruel world, which it is to me.
Why is it so hard to love?
When our God is just above."

meant. You spelled that wrong. That would be my only suggestion.

it touches the heart, cause we can all relate to the emotion felt here.

Derek
Junior Member
since 2007-10-20
Posts 38
New Hampshire, USA
3 posted 2008-01-02 10:22 PM


thanks, I guess I under estimated this poem
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062
In Love <3
4 posted 2008-01-05 05:56 PM


beautiful. beautiful, i also, am a fan of changing structure in the middle of the poem. it makes it a little different, and it worked for you here. very nice.

-Kate

and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night

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