navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » The Moon
Teen Poetry #8
Post A Reply Post New Topic The Moon Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
gozaggss
Junior Member
since 2006-04-26
Posts 33


0 posted 2007-04-30 12:01 PM


The moon shines dull in the sky
As clockwork, often I glance up as I sigh
Resting my hands on my unfinished essay
Brain can’t find a good word to say
Moonlight creeps invisibly in my room
Unseen, unheeded, uncared for it’s boon
Forgotten and lost it reaches to many
To be turned away like man without penny
Lonely and sad it wanders the streets
Finding no solace from all whom it meets
Poor and beaten he flees from the town
No one cares. Not so much as a frown
The light vanishes into thin air
And finally do people begin to care
We don’t seem to notice something until it’s gone
Like the gnome that you forgot laying on the lawn
Company is missed when there’s none to be found
But that’s the very same reason they’ve been driven to ground
When there’s no solace around to be had
Everything, for everyone.. we all soon feel bad
If you don’t reach out to others when they need you most
Then your life is over. Terminated, forfeit, toast.


© Copyright 2007 gozaggss - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2007-04-30 08:17 AM


The moon shines dull in the sky
As clockwork, often I glance up as I sigh
(I do not think you need clockwork but you could say
Clockwork makes me glance up with a sigh

Resting my hands on my unfinished essay
(the) OR {MY} Brain can’t find a good *Try to find a different adjective to say, what makes it good. word to say

Moonlight creeps invisible in my room
Unseen, unheeded, uncared for it’s boon
*what boon?

Forgotten and lost it reaches too many
*why is it too many? meaning?

To be turned away like a man without penny
Lonely and sad it wanders the streets
(How is moonlight turned away? Why is it lonely? it can feel?

Finding no solace from all whom it meets
Poor and beaten he flees from the town
(Now it he, who does it meet? First you say it now he. Stay consistant?

No one cares. Not so much as a frown
The light vanishes into thin air
And finally  people begin care
(try,, people do care, it sounds less drawn out.
How does it vanish?

We don’t seem to notice something until it’s gone
Like the gnome that you forgot laying on the lawn
*could it be lying? I always get that confused

Company is missed when there’s none to be found
But that’s the very same reason they’ve been driven to ground
When there’s no solace around to be had
Everything, for everyone.. we all  feel bad
If you don’t reach out to others when they need you most
Then your life is over. Terminated, forfeit, and toast.

I know I often crittique and say to even out syllable count, but while the syllable count is even, the rythmn is a bit off, it sound forced the first bit. But the very last bit\stanza was really good, I think you should center on that and try to have the rest of the poem around that, base it on.

*my favorite lines
Company is missed when there’s none to be found
But that’s the very same reason they’ve been driven to ground
When there’s no solace around to be had
Everything, for everyone.. we all  feel bad

Then your life is over. Terminated, forfeit, and toast.

Especially the last line, I REALLY LIKE IT.

unholyjudgement
Member
since 2007-02-27
Posts 116
Wherever my soul takes me next
2 posted 2007-04-30 02:30 PM


I must take this time to say that i love your work.

My mind is like lightning
One brilliant flash and its gone

gozaggss
Junior Member
since 2006-04-26
Posts 33

3 posted 2007-04-30 09:13 PM


haha thx Unholy. i used to post on this forum last year, but idk where it all is. i'll post everything i think worthwhile. i have a few award winning published poems as well. they'll be a part of a "poetry by young authors" book coming out in the summer. i'll post more details if you're all interested. i have nearly 150 poems on my computer, so it might take a while to upload them all
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » The Moon

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary