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pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

0 posted 2007-04-27 04:23 PM

You tell me
To hush my mouth
But the words are still running through my mind
You cant make me stop
Feeling the way I feel
Yet you try- and its unkind

STOP!
I don't need your critique
This comdemnation
All I want is a little patience
But damn you never hear me out
I say one thing and you start to shout

I need my freedom
I need my space
But you yell at me
When I try to find a place
That's just for me

You say you don't like the road I'm on
That I'm trying to be a "bad girl"
That I want to get in "trouble"
But I DONT want that
I'm NOT on that road
Why don't you get the___ off my case

And just

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

[This message has been edited by pen&paper (04-28-2007 04:54 PM).]

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2007-04-27 05:19 PM

I imagine your mention of not wanting critique does not apply to your poems here in Passions, as you ask for them

I enjoyed the message in your poem, however the use of a swear word was so unnecessary, and it might have been even more effective without it.

Carpe' Diem

pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

2 posted 2007-04-27 05:45 PM

for those who don't know this is about parents, teachers, etc. who think they know everything about a certain teenager when they don't

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

3 posted 2007-04-27 10:30 PM

this is very good i must be seeing the edited version since i see no swear words but i could see the relation you make to teachers and parents i know a few who do that and this poem says it all great job

rebel~angel
Member

since 2006-06-20

Posts 71
Iowa USA

4 posted 2007-05-21 09:50 PM

Personally, I think swear words are sometimes almost necessary...and what is and isn't a swear word is kind of a matter of opinion,too. No offense to anybody or anything...just my opinion...!

Remember:Tuck your chin, you're going to get hurt, so expect it and be ready. You might as well see it coming.
-Elizabeth Haydon, Requiem for the Sun

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

5 posted 2007-05-22 10:25 AM

Regarding swear words: it has been deemed that damn is not a swear word. Damnation is an actual state of being, in my opinion, and I hardly noticed the use of this word in this poem.

I felt like you had a good message overall, but I feel like instead of using all capital letters for emphasis, you could create the same emphasis through different details and word orders. I felt like in the first stanza, the rhyme scheme felt a little forced, but other than that, I thought it worked out rather well.

stormdancer
Junior Member

since 2007-05-10

Posts 31
state of confustion

6 posted 2007-05-27 03:50 PM

I second the opinion of not using all caps. Imho it makes a good poem look amiture.

It is a swear word to some people, but a mild one. I happen to know people who won't say stupid, so it's all a matter of your standards.

Smiling
Junior Member

since 2007-05-27

Posts 12
Barbados

7 posted 2007-05-28 10:58 AM

I personally liked it i support you all the way fight against that old time convention way of thinking and let's show them something new and full of expression!!!!!

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