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Teen Poetry #8

Every Single Time

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2007-04-10 07:08 PM

I breath in your pandemic.
The taste is abhorrent in my mouth.
Its like a wretched plague of hate,
A hate i cant get out.

Ive washed my hands a thousand times,
But the water still runs red.
I cant seem to calm my nerves,
Its like my old self is dead.

So let me give my apolagies,
Im sorry for speaking my mind.
I dont understand how im the only one wrong,
Every single time.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2007-04-11 05:02 AM

I like this, especially the first stanza, its a similar idea but told differently

(like) my old self is dead.
(Delete the like you do not need it more powerful without

So let me give my apologies,
Im sorry for speaking my mind.
(take out the I'm because again its more powerful the shorter it is.
I dont understand how im the only one wrong,
(Also I think you should just leave this line at I don't understand how I'm only wrong, and drop the rest.
If you take out the unnesscary words its easier for the reader to be captured in the emotion. Nice job

(Also I like the ending line, it closes it up well, and its short and succinct

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

2 posted 2007-04-11 11:59 PM

Well CO,( hope I can call you that it;s shorter) I totally loved this. it was amazing, really you should think of dark again though poems like this would suit it...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

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