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long nights displaced
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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long nights displaced |
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18 Junior Member
since 2007-03-28
Posts 25 |
Long nights displaced 12:45 clock strikes call slow ante meridiem post affliction Moments grow as sheets slight crow sing mockery of alone Open windows yield night's fleeting ghosts riding cold solitude Ice falls upon empty spots under blankets lost of her embrace Absence bowed respite lace to rigid blanket ranges Midnight skies bathe righteous lives alone and filthy Wrinkled lights shade and illuminate pale cascades of ripping decadence Mistakes timeless grace reaps loathsome gazes on chilled plains and hollowed cascades Coursing despise traced dauntless templates where her body lay on nights and kept cold at bay Slept alone under frozen drapes cold in mockery of what you wanted Warmth was not her name so welcome the cold in wait of something more to offer [This message has been edited by 18 (04-08-2007 07:49 PM).] |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
12: 45 clock strikes hail slower per-midnight (I didn't understand this line) Moments grow in slights of sheets crow alone in mockery of you slights of sheets crow alone in m ockery of you , didn't make sense. (curious what did you mean Open windows unyielding night as it beats across plains There isn't enough connection, "unyield in the night" ? Ice falls upon empty spots under blankets that lost her embrace *Nice line Wrinkled lights shade and illuminate pale cascades lain over naked places (cascades of what? Righteous is your life alone (Why is it righteous?( Mistakes timeless grace reap loathsome gazes on chilled plains and empty cascades (nice line but not sure how it is relevant. Sounds like you are talking about landscape? Coursing despise traced dauntless templates where her body lay on nights and kept cold at bay "Where does the despise come in?" Slept alone under frozen drapes cold in mockery of what you wanted (what did "you" want? Warmth was not ?her? so welcome the cold in wait of something with more to offer The sentence is all broken up, I reallly really like your ideas and imagery just some of it reads to much like description rather than connected together in sentences. I like this though, you have talent. Excited to read more |
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