screaming through the airwaves

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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2007-03-27 04:55 PM

this is it.
im on the ground in front of you,
tearing bit by bit.

these thoughts go on
while the flame begins to grow.
all i wanted was a chance,
i only wanted to let you to know.

those harsh words,
makes me burn;
and i cant believe i fell through on you.

you let me fall,
and now im broken on the ground.
and even though im riven,
i still hear the sound.

its screaming through the airwaves.

[This message has been edited by Clockwork_Orange (03-27-2007 06:20 PM).]

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

1 posted 2007-03-28 07:36 PM

Okay so over all this was a short intense poem, needs some work though. I'll point out a few things and you decide if you like them better!

(capitalization, grammer would be good)
This is it,
I'm on the ground in front of you,
Tearing bit by bit,

These thoughts go on,
(what thoughts? describe)
While the flame begins to grow,
(what sort of flame, how'd it get there?what made it start?)
All I wanted was a chance,
I only wanted to get you to know,
(reread what you put on your original one, it didn't make sense, I think re doing that line would be good, maybe to this?)

All I wanted was a chance,
I only wanted to let you know,
*THAT* those harsh words make me burn;
I cant believe I fell through on you,
(to me that last line doesn't make sense, what were you trying to say?maybe try discribe it better, put more words in)

You let me fall,
And now im broken on the ground,
And even though im riven,
I still hear the sound,
(what sound? and maybe discribe a little more, like how she let you fall or why and props on the last two lines, i like that)

Its screaming through the airwaves!
(I'm not too sure what this is about, It doesn't make sense to me. You did a great job, just need a few helpers. This poem could be a bit better and longer and more understanding)

x0x0
Free_Spirit07
~%#*So far from perfect!*#%~
~%#*So far from life and living!*#%~

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-03-29 03:21 PM

I agree with free spirit, completely do the changes she suggested and I will crittique from there. YOU HAVE TO MEET US HALF WAY U KNOW

Edward Grim
Senior Member

since 2005-12-18

Posts 1154
Greenville, South Carolina

3 posted 2007-03-29 04:40 PM

Ok first off, Orange doesn't have to meet you halfway because it's his or her poem and he or she can do whatever he or she wants to it. I do agree to add capitalization to it. The example of punctuation provided by Free Spirit is not proper though. Adding a comma after every line does not constitute as proper punctuation (it's actually a good example of improper punctuation). Treat your lines like sentences, and punctuate them accordingly. Orange actually added the proper punctuation for the most part. I'll prove why:

Look at the stanzas like fragmented sentences (because that's what they are).

Stanza form:
[this is it.
im on the ground in front of you,
tearing bit by bit.]

Sentence form:
[This is it. I'm on the ground in front of you, tearing bit by bit.]

That's a proper sentence so the first stanza was fine (except the missing apostrophe of course.)

Except for the few missing apostrophes, Orange's punctuation is fine.

See, Spirit, Orange should not cater to your needs so you can understand the poem better. Some people understand some poems and others don't. If every poet had to change a poem so each reader would understand, the poem wouldn't exist because it'd be written differently for each reader (and that'd be crazy)

The point of writing is to write your own feelings and see how many people relate to them. One cannot alter their own feelings to better suit each individual reader.

Peace

Head Cheese & Chicken Feet

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

4 posted 2007-03-29 06:27 PM

Ed, you really are a very good person and i thank you for agreeing with me. and im a dude 100%, lol.

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

5 posted 2007-03-31 03:50 AM

Oh, and by the way, I was NOT asking him to cater to my needs. He can leave or take the advise I gave him.

x0x0
Free_Spirit07
~%#*So far from perfect!*#%~
~%#*So far from life and living!*#%~

Edward Grim
Senior Member

since 2005-12-18

Posts 1154
Greenville, South Carolina

6 posted 2007-03-31 05:19 AM

When I said that, I merely meant that he shouldn't modify his poem so someone can understand it better. I didn't say that as a slight or a negative thing towards you; I was very sincere.
Readers who ask for in-depth explanations on poems is just a little pet peeve of mine. See, I pride myself on writing poetry that is very, very... very cryptic. I'd say that about 90% of the time, people don't know what I'm talking about in my poetty and I dig that. And people constantly ask me to change my work to better suit them or make it more "understandable" and that just annoys me. lol

I found Orange's poem pretty straightforward in meaning. You were meaning to improve it by drawing out his thoughts to "solidify" the piece more. And that's a great thing to do; I wish every critiquer would do that. My comment was mostly directed towards Rhia; that last bit was for you. I probably got too dogmatic about it, probably because it's a pet peeve of mine, like I said. Sorry about that; no harm intended.

And Orange, just because I agreed with you doesn't make me a good person, lol. Many times, I am quite the contrary.

Peace everybody.

Head Cheese & Chicken Feet

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

7 posted 2007-03-31 07:19 PM

Lol its okay now! Sorry we got on the wrong terms of each other, or just slightly disagreed or more to the fact got everything mixed up.
Peace
- Spirit

unholyjudgement
Member

since 2007-02-27

Posts 116
Wherever my soul takes me next

8 posted 2007-04-01 11:55 PM

Very nice read
Thnk u

My mind is like lightning
One brilliant flash and its gone

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

9 posted 2007-04-02 03:02 PM

Just cause it isn't too fair to say that we don't crittique if , cause I don't like crittiquing unless whoever I am crittiquing is willing to meet me somewhere in the middle and be like ok, i get that, because of this or why do you think this or I meant this because of this. Sorry

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

10 posted 2007-04-02 03:05 PM

this is it.
I'm on the ground in front of you,
tearing bit by bit.
(why are you tearing? Why are you on the ground?

these thoughts go on
(what thoughts? why do they go on?)
while the flame begins to grow.
(what flame? flame of what? where did it come from what is it burning?)
all I wanted was a chance,
i only wanted to let you to know.

those harsh words,
makes me burn;
and I cant believe I fell through on you.

you let me fall,
and now im broken on the ground.
and even though im riven,
i still hear the sound.
(what does riven mean. How did they let you fall did they drop you or refuse to catch you?

its screaming through the airwaves.
(what is?

what were you meaning to convey with this poem

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

11 posted 2007-04-04 06:27 PM

i understand that you want me to explain it all, but i kinda like the fact that it intrests you to know why im doing these things. i kinda like the mystery.

Angel4aKing
Senior Member

since 2006-09-27

Posts 1372
USA

12 posted 2007-07-20 02:13 PM

This is very good.... I never got the chance to welcome you to passions yet, so welcome to passions!!!!!

~~~kingsangel~~~

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