navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » World of............
Teen Poetry #8
Post A Reply Post New Topic World of............ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Sweetpali08
Junior Member
since 2006-05-07
Posts 40


0 posted 2007-03-18 11:55 AM


Ahh i haven't posted anything in a while....
So quick and soo messy. Just wanted to take things out.

You may never know, how it feels like.
To come back to such world.
Where without suffering -beauty would never be found.
And when you pretend - to have such world in your head filled with such beauty.
You are to be waken up into the world of the impossible.


"How are they the VICTIMS if they are the OCCUPIERS?!"
~Paradise now

© Copyright 2007 Jannah - All Rights Reserved
pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513

1 posted 2007-05-26 12:58 PM


This actually was really good. Just try maybe putting "awakened" in there instead of "waken up", it makes a little bit more sense. Good job.

Pen.

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
2 posted 2007-05-27 01:27 AM


Hi Sweetpali08,

What a very thoughtful and enjoyable poem to read! I wasn't sure what this was about and I'm glad that I decided to open the page.

One suggestion, if you will, this could use a little punctuation to polish the poem. You do not need a period after every line nor capital at the begining, even if it looks good...

The line, "Where without suffering beauty would never be found", is wonderful. My favorite part in the poem would have to be that line.

Thanks for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading it and look forward to seeing what you post next  



"The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away"
              @-->---

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #8 » World of............

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary