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Teen Poetry #8
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Blowing Smoke
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Blowing Smoke |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
At one time I was blowing smoke And as I was exhaling I began to choke Soon I thought this was no dream My life would end it would seem For hard as I tried I could not catch my breath Feeling the cold and dreary grip of death Then to my wonder I did behold My friend a glass of water he did hold As he handed it to me he said I think you had better stop before you're dead Then I awoke in a cold shiver My heart throbbing a quiver Now I knew what must be done Time for me to stop having "fun" This is why I no longer party Smoke,snort,or drink Bacardi |
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| © Copyright 2007 Preston Morse - All Rights Reserved | |||
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is |
wow... nice, i really liked it = ) and the whole idea of the poem, i dont know how i could say anything "helpful" about it, b/c i like it how it is. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
I liked it, very real. hope to read more soon... hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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um_idk Junior Member
since 2006-09-27
Posts 32minnesota |
i really liked it a lot |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
The rhymes seemed empty , kinda like nonsense rhymes with out flow and they were really common too. You might want to try for wider use of language |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
dear thee preston- well i hope that you live long and stay away from spinach and tomatos. lol jk. Whitty "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
rhea I appreciate your comment though the thing about common rhymes is just a little hypocritical i.e. show,go me,be become,dumb hirt,dirt from your poem: stolen identity btw this is the fifth piece I have ever written |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
So? And read what I post in CA, I post my personal poems here and some of the rhymes aren't as great as i would like. IN CA the rhymes are better. Also that poem was from a while ago. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
fun" This is why I no longer party Smoke,snort,or drink Bacardi Fun is really cliche though and I don't think thats the best you can think of. The rhymes are just so matter fact, but that is my oppinion. |
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