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Teen Poetry #8
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wwzwlmd8
Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96
San Diego,CA

0 posted 2007-01-21 11:04 PM



You see her there in misery you try to comfort,
but she doesn't want it, you try to ask, she doesn't answer. she is dead in herself; she's lost in her own mind.
she's alone by herself in a dark room, she's mad at the world mad at her family, mad at herself.
Know one likes her, she doesn't even like how she looks. She's alone in her dark room in a mind of emptness.
DEAD!!!!!!
IF you can make up a title fill free to tell me.


© Copyright 2007 Indya - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2007-01-22 10:29 AM


It seems like a rant.
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
2 posted 2007-01-22 12:57 PM


Agree with rhia 100%. It just seemed like you were screaming at your readers that she lives in a dark room. I think you need to do some revisions on this poem. Make the poem so that it expresses emotions but doesn't scream em at the bystanders.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino            @-->---

wwzwlmd8
Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96
San Diego,CA
3 posted 2007-01-22 08:30 PM


How does it seem like a rant I'm telling you how she feel's and she is in a dark room I'm not yelling READ'S SHE'S IN A DARK ROOM it is how you read it and that's not how I wrote it I wrote it in tears when I was mad at one of my family members.


rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
4 posted 2007-01-23 03:19 PM


If it is a rant its not realy poetry. Do want crittique for this or should we lay off if this was really  emotional for you?
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
5 posted 2007-01-23 07:10 PM


Yes, as rhia said if this was written at an emotional time in your life you might prefer that we don't critique. I'm sorry if my comment offended you in any way but it still stands as is. I don't look at peoples poems and say "oh this is happening to them", I prefer to keep the poem detached and that can sometimes be my downfall. You might want to consider posting "no critiques" when you post something like this poem. As I said didn't mean to offend and I do hope you'll continue posting more.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino            @-->---

wwzwlmd8
Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96
San Diego,CA
6 posted 2007-01-23 07:58 PM


You still didn't answer my question what should I put for my title?


rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
7 posted 2007-01-24 11:00 AM


"the rant" O.K that isn't funny sorry. Um.. how about

Alone+dark room=.....

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
8 posted 2007-01-24 08:22 PM


"Dark emptyness" or however you spell the word. I'm not good at titles though...

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino            @-->---

wwzwlmd8
Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96
San Diego,CA
9 posted 2007-01-25 01:46 AM


WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
10 posted 2007-01-25 12:00 PM


What do you mean "what!!!!!!", you got my answer and there it is, I THINK it is rather simple to understand.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino            @-->---

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
11 posted 2007-01-25 09:49 PM


ok... wwzwlmd8

your constructive critiques says "say what you want and be true" yet you are so offended that you seem to being rude.. i'm sure everyone is sorry for offending you but everyone here is equal and we help each other out.. i haven't been on for a while but I do know that the people on this site have helped me so much in my writing and if you listen and take their advice but still go with what your heart says you can be an excellent writer.. after of course you learn to accept peoples comments with the grace of an adult instead of the immaturity of a child.. and that means no offense so dont' take this the wrong way.. i'm not a moderator but this site is a kind place and everyone should try to keep it that way.. thank you for posting this.. I didn't think you were yelling either.. everyone just has different opinions so you could just explain it to us if you want us to know exactly what you mean.. if not.. poetry is what the writer puts in to it and what the reader gets out of it.. not perfect...

keep posting and i hope you enjoy it here
~heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

wwzwlmd8
Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96
San Diego,CA
12 posted 2007-01-26 12:18 PM


I'm so sorry for being rude to my readers and i just wanted to tell you I didn't understand what you ment in the title you gave me . I just want to say let's just drop the subject and get on with owr poems.I will be reading posting more poems and reading more poems. see you very soon.

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