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whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

0 posted 2007-01-08 07:19 PM

I see them all
But no one cares
I stand by the window
-waiting

I listen to their petty problems
But none can hear my prayer
For hope to take my light
Beyond the darkness blindingly bright

I walk silently by
Purposefully I like
Never looking back
But seeing every need

I’d live for once
For someone
To see me in
My need

But of course dreams
Are foolish imaginary, fake
Yet so real you could
Touch them, yes I know you could

They never come true
For the ones like my
Without luck in the
Truest sense of what luck is supposed to be

So luckless, deprived of sense
Of my own melody

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2007-01-09 03:56 PM

Beyond the darkness blindingly bright
(How does is the dark bright?)

I walk silently by
Purposefully I like(wut was that sopposed to be?
Never looking back
But seeing every need
(that stanza does not make sense like at all.

I’d live for once
For someone
To see me in
My need

But of course dreams
Are foolish imaginary, fake
Yet so real you could
Touch them, yes I know you could

They never come true
For the ones like my
Without luck in the
Truest sense of what luck is supposed to be

*what?

Try putting punctuation in and making cohernt sentences

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

2 posted 2007-01-09 04:52 PM

it's not supposted to make sense, sometimes the sentences were just broken through the stanzas.

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

3 posted 2007-01-12 03:39 PM

How do I understand what you are saying then?

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

4 posted 2007-01-12 04:51 PM

you're not- it's for my own reminisce sometime poetry is an outlet that doesn't have to add up like math.

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

5 posted 2007-01-13 05:08 AM

O.k sorry about trying to crittique your personal poem. Could you mention for the poems that are really personal so I don't try to crittique it and mess it up or anything?

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

6 posted 2007-01-13 11:34 AM

sorry, sure. i didn't mean to sound harsh

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

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