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Teen Poetry #8

You(revised)

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

0 posted 2007-01-05 11:55 PM

I know how your feeling,
As I feel the same way,
I wish my heart was healing,
And I knew what to say,

I tried to be so unlike me,
So you didn't love me anymore,
I didn't think regretting it would be a possibility,
Is it too late to say, "without you i'm empty to the core?"

I want you to love me as I love you,
As a friend, I can't go any deeper than this,
I want you to know i'm hurting too,
But I think you should know it's you I will miss,

Look at me now i must be some sight,
'Cause now I know how it feels to slowly die
I did what i felt was right,
And now it's time to say goodbye.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

hollygal
Junior Member

since 2006-12-30

Posts 21
Alberta, Canada

1 posted 2007-01-06 10:15 PM

I thought this was pretty good, thugh a couple parts are choppy. The second stanza in particular seems to have ackward rhythm to it. maybe if you could shorten the lines a bit it would fit better with the rythm in the rest of the poem. there were also a few other areas in the rest of the poem with the same problem. other than that, i thought it was pretty good

Sarka
Junior Member

since 2006-09-21

Posts 23
Canada

2 posted 2007-01-14 10:55 AM

I Haven't been on line for a while hunnie. I found this poem very emotional. where you can see the difference between friendship and love

~If we didn't have any bad days, we wouldn't appreciate the good ones~

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

3 posted 2007-01-14 04:53 PM

thats pretty good. i think it could go a bit smoother.

Jessica

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