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Teen Poetry #8

I may (revised)

chiLanta
Junior Member

since 2006-12-01

Posts 47

0 posted 2006-12-28 06:37 PM

Today the tears are falling
Falling towards my heart
Yesterday I was in love
Today I'm torn apart

I may have been happy
Your love to me was real
but You lied and hurt me
Now I'm waiting to heal

Memories fade
That is what some say
Yet the ones of us
Are in my heart to stay

I don't want to retrace our steps
b/c Somewhere we took the wrong turn
and As we hit the tree head on
Our love did a crash and burn

I don't want to see you
b/c I don't want to cry
I know you are gone now
I was the one you told goodbye

I may miss you
and My Tears may fall
but You no longer rule my heart
For you my heart no longer calls

I may be alone now
My tears won't be wiped away
Unless I have the strength to pick myself up
and Move on to a brighter day...

DucksCanFly
Junior Member

since 2006-12-20

Posts 20

1 posted 2006-12-29 04:12 PM

Tis great! The first one was good but this one is far better, you've really improved it! I loved the first stanza especially.

Hope to see more of your poems soon

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2006-12-29 05:48 PM

Try not using IM lingo in poetry.
( )= delete
[ ] = add

I don't want to see you
because I don't want to cry
I know you are gone now
I was the one you [said] (told) goodbye

I may miss you
and My Tears may fall
but You no longer rule my heart
For you my heart no longer calls
??[For you my heart no longer falls]??

The second to last line is so strong don't undermine it by the next one.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2007-01-02 12:34 PM

I really liked this one I agree with Ducks, first was good this one was better Very nice...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

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