The "Us" that shouldn't be

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whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

0 posted 2006-12-18 07:40 PM

you have me completely confused to ends
i thought we were just being best friends
now that we not really more, but not less
i'm confused to the point, i'm in distress

the way you hold my hand, so small in yours long
they look perfect, my tiny one in yours strong
i think you're falling for me, and i for you
i wonder what on earth we will think to do

but we can't work we both know this is true
i know you know, we can't be me and you
we should stop trying to play, i don't want scars
when we look at each other there seems to be stars

how i love to feel protected, safe, and wanted
though all these feelings i feel also daunted
i'm afriad of the things that just may come
b/c i know if we had the chance we'd act dumb

so tell what are we to do
b/c i think that i love you

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

1 posted 2006-12-19 11:00 PM

Give it a try, i think that if the chance comes up you should try it out. that is where i went wrong i said no. i didn't think i'd regret it but i did. i hope you figure out what to do. it's amazing how much i can relate to this. as for the poem i really liked the flow, the feeling was great too... hope to read more soon...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

2 posted 2006-12-21 04:36 PM

he won't ask me, he's afriad of it and it's a little more complicated than i initally let on. i'll have to explain it in another poem

Tee
Junior Member

since 2006-12-20

Posts 26
Belgium

3 posted 2006-12-22 02:04 PM

Reading it makes me wonder whats stopping you two, since it sure shows that both of you feel something more than friendship for eachother.

Should we ignore what we want and feel?
for what reason?
to protect ourself?
from what?
pain or happynes?

If it feels right, you should give it a go.
It's better to try and see how it goes, than to be unknown how it could have gone for the rest of your life.

Best of luck.

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

4 posted 2006-12-22 05:35 PM

here i shall tell you whats really happeneing. he's acting when i wrote this i was stupid. he's playing with me so i don't like him anymore. i love his best friend, his best friend was my boyfriend before they were ever friends. so we're kinda likning eachother and that's the whole complicated thing

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

Tee
Junior Member

since 2006-12-20

Posts 26
Belgium

5 posted 2006-12-27 12:11 PM

sorry to hear lovely

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

6 posted 2006-12-27 04:07 PM

Punctuation
( )=delete
[ ] = add

You have me completely (confused) to ends.* example
I thought we were just (being) best friends.

Now we aren't  more, and not less*this seems really off to me just the rythmn of it.

I'm (confused)[puzzled] to the point of distress.

The way you hold my hand, so small in yours (long)
*If its going to rhyme have it not be inverted if possible, but if it has to be then it should make sense. Try a thesaurus to bring up the vocab with different words. Explore with how words sound .

They look perfect, my tiny hand in yours strong* Try to change this to make more sense.

I think you're falling for me, and I for you
I wonder what on earth we will (think to) do

We can't work [with] we both know (this) is true
I know you know that we can't be [us two. ?}(?me and you?

We should stop trying to play, i don't want scars
*what do you mean by the playing part?

When we look in each others eyes there appears to be stars

I love to feel protected, safe, and wanted.
*WHy start it as a question if it is not.

Through all these feelings I am  daunted

I'm afriad of the things that may just come,
[because](b/c) i know if we have the chance we act dumb
*don't use abbreviated lingo in poetry. Don't words to many times in a sentence or stanza , it detracts fromt he meaning

so tell [me] what are we to do,
[because]
I think  I love you

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