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hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

0 posted 2006-12-08 01:07 AM

Behind closed doors
hunnie

In the house lives a family,
you used to envy how they used to be,
now fighting and yelling is all you see,
we're different now do you still envy me?

The family's still coping with all the fights,
but they can't stand those lonley nights,
the neighbors don't care they just turn out their lights,
'cause they know the rountine, they've seen all the sights,

Who knows what's in store,
for this family of four,
they don't even look perfect in town anymore,
but that's what goes on behind our closed doors

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

River Of Tears
Junior Member

since 2006-10-28

Posts 25
Canada!

1 posted 2006-12-08 07:21 PM

I really like it, but the "But thats what goes on behind colsed doors" I think the but should be changed to something, not sure what eles would work, but its good!

I am me, And always will be, If you think you can change me, Take a better look cause, I am happy as me!

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

2 posted 2006-12-09 10:36 PM

"they don't even look perfect in town anymore" don't change the ending! Change that line. The ending is fantastic! that line just needs to lead up to it. Otherwise very well written, keep it up. can't wait to read more.

AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

pencil&paper
Member

since 2006-09-09

Posts 76
asleep somewhere in my head

3 posted 2006-12-11 07:18 PM

good poem personally i think you might want to take out the "but" in the last line, it would sound good either way. however it is your poem and if you like it the way you have it i think you should keep it that way

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."~Angela Monet

pencil&paper
Member

since 2006-09-09

Posts 76
asleep somewhere in my head

4 posted 2006-12-11 07:19 PM

PS please review my poem Already Gone

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."~Angela Monet

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

5 posted 2006-12-11 08:54 PM

Hey Hunnie,

could ya give my stuff a once over?
Danka dear,

i'm tired of putting my regular wl lovely, so i'll put

Lovely

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

6 posted 2006-12-12 11:55 PM

sure i will pencil and i shall have a look see at your poem too lovely. thank you all for replying

wasn't sure on that line either tapper but i couldn't think of anything else...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

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