»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #8
»
the one on the outside lies
| Teen Poetry #8 |
|
the one on the outside lies |
|
|
yvetters_24 Member
since 2006-08-27
Posts 52california |
Life unravels right before your eyes Hopes and dreams crash and die All the people around you start to fade away Every single one day by day Gets to a point you cant take it all in You want to talk to a friend But the words hide In the back of your mind And strength is the one thing you cant find So you take all your pain and Barrie it deep down Hoping people cant read through your frown But the more you push it down the greater it becomes Your mind is starting to become undone But when they all ask if your ok You like say im fine everything is ok But really you just want to pour you heart out Joy, anger, laugher, grief, screams, and shouts But you convince yourself there nothing wrong Put on your fake smile Hoping it will last awhile Knowing nothing is going right But still your putting up this fight Refusing to let everyone know youve dropped down past dust past dirt You just cant help but fill that low Yet still refuse to let anyone know |
||
| © Copyright 2006 yvetters_24 - All Rights Reserved | |||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
very nice it had the perfect length and a nice flow... hunnie  Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
( ) =delete [ ] = add Uncapitlize all of the beginning of lines that don't need to be capitals cause they aren't starting a sentence. Add proper punctuation, and you could change all the , YOU into I, or me Try running your poetry through spell check before you post it so readers don't have to read through the miståkes. Mabye a better title would be just suggestion: Lies on the outside ??? I liked the idea and how you told this, the rhyming flow was very good when it was more or less the most syllables. Good job. Life unravels (right) before your eyes*how? give an example. delete 'right'because it doesn't do anything and throws off the rythmn and syllable count**** Hopes and dreams crash and die* how , try giving images and examples. All the people around you start to fade away Every single one day by day Gets to a point you cant take it all in* try using metaphor here, this is a really common idea. There are unlimited possibilities. Tell your reader in your own words. You want to talk to a friend But the words hide In the back of your mind And strength is the one thing you can[']t findSo you take all your pain and Barr[y] it deep down Hoping people can(')t read through (your)[the] frown But the more you push it (down)[away] the greater it becomes Your mind is starting to be(come) undone But when they all ask if your ok You (like) say[,] ["] I[']m fine everything is (ok) [fine]["] *First, you should never ever say 'like' in a poem unless its dialogue.( Like used just to say not'I like ice cream. ' then it is a statement not just said for no reason. ) You need to put proper punctuation when its a dialogue or a piece of one, otherwise the reader loses something by not knowing its dialogue. But (really) you just want to pour you heart out Joy, anger, laughter, grief, screams, and shouts But you convince yourself there['s] nothing wrong Put[ing] on a fake smile Hoping [that] it will last awhile Knowing [that] nothing is going right But still you put up (this) [a] fight Refusing to [?just let out the truth?] (let everyone know ) you[']ve dropped down past dust past dirt *say that someway different it really throws off the flow. You just can[']t help but feel that low Yet still refuse to let anyone know |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
