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Teen Poetry #8

Paper Made Places

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

0 posted 2007-06-26 06:39 PM

Paper Made Places

A house of cards is that place that I live in
The grape flying in from across our paper street looks dangerous
And the lollypop lamp lights with their plastic yellow light
Have never looked more fake than they do this night

I touched the fish in the pond by our house
They crumpled like the tissue paper they are
They didn’t move because the water wasn’t water at all
It was a liquid with viscosity plus- of the effect to appall

Any sound will tear down our card houses, so all is silent
Living in constant fear of ruin is destructive of our character
When you touch anything and it turns to dust
The has to be a problem with all these people and trust

As the wind blows my card house into desolation and disarray
Everyone just walks by and not a second look is given from any soul
Nothing has gotten better yet- I guess I was hoping for a miracle
But all I ended up with was this poem that’s semi-lyrical

and if i had to choose between the whole world and you- there would be no competition

-Amanda Ann (my best friend)

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

1 posted 2007-06-26 07:25 PM

i found it was disjointed and didn't flow too nicely but it had a good point it might need some work

Gifted
Member

since 2007-06-26

Posts 140
Caribbean

2 posted 2007-06-26 07:30 PM

I agree with surf_painter there are some errors. Double check your grammar, spelling, and flow and it will make for a better read.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

3 posted 2007-06-26 09:47 PM

thankyou- i'm a little tired at the moment, and don't really feel like chaning anything in this particular poem, but thanks for the constructive critism, i will deffinatly take it into account for my next piece.

thanks again,
-Red

and if i had to choose between the whole world and you- there would be no competition

-Amanda Ann (my best friend)

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