1st real poem (Love the help please!)

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Teen Poetry #8

1st real poem (Love the help please!)

Flipnfly62992
New Member

since 2006-11-16

Posts 5

0 posted 2006-11-16 07:16 PM

Can you look into my eyes?
Can you seriously tell me
Is it all going to be alright?
This pain I feel is unlike anything
Anything I’ve ever felt
A cold chill running up my neck
A pounding in my head
A break in my heart
And every single time I see your face
It all floods back
The memories hidden in the depths
That we’re never to be seen again
Return uninvited filling me with rage
Was there any point?
To all this misery and guilt
Or is it just for your amusement?
The real question is…
Are you happy now?

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

1 posted 2006-11-16 07:30 PM

it was really good if it was free based
(not rhyming). if you try to lengthen it i think u can come up with some awesome lines that ryhme with some of your already written down ideas. i hope i helped u out a little.
~Tempest~

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

2 posted 2006-11-17 07:10 AM

Hey..
I agree with Tempest.
If you want to learn check out Tempest, Rhia and a few other pepoles work.. im not a good helper nor am i a good writer but those two will help u...

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

3 posted 2006-11-17 10:30 AM

I feel special. and Tempest how can Jessica say she is not a good writer? you write sooo well.

Flip, I didn't like the ending. It needs a more concise ending. Something that does sum it up. You have some good ideas but try adding more, flavvor and make it more interesting to read. Also show us don;t tell us.Use description

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