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Teen Poetry #8

Over Yet

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

0 posted 2006-11-16 04:02 PM

spill the secrets in the moonlight
sing the sadness in your heart
i dont know what to do
wheres the end, wheres the start

i see the fire, yes i see the blood
if this were a painting, then the paint would run
a perfect example of a perfect lie
theres nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

spin the wishes into thread
with the words that you said
im stuck in the same situation that i always find myself in
im so lost and dont know where to begin
i cant see through any of this sin

lost and bleeding
i cant seem to breath
searing pain comes
is it over yet?

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-11-17 10:39 AM

cant see through any of this sin

That threw me off alot.Rewrite that line.

The rest of it wow, amazing one of my favorite writes from you.I read the first stanza, loved it then said that was my fav. stanza, read the next loved it too, and so on. Rythmn flow everything was just unbelievable.

Punctuation and grammar could use work though

Sarka
Junior Member

since 2006-09-21

Posts 23
Canada

2 posted 2006-11-18 09:28 PM

very nice

PEBBLES
Member

since 2006-10-30

Posts 69
South Australia, Australia

3 posted 2006-11-20 05:58 AM

This is so, so good. Loved it from the start, but, felt it got a bit pushed out with 'i cant see through any of this sin', maybe you didnt need this in? How ever didnt detract from the essence. More Please. Thanks Helen.

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

4 posted 2006-11-20 05:39 PM

I liked the beginning I was really into it and then by the end It kind of lost me.

soo Im still undecided about this one I guess.

-Ash-

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

5 posted 2007-06-24 01:45 PM

i thought it was good. and the sin part didnt throw me off. i just read it in the same pattern as the rest of the poem and it was good.

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