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Only Words
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Only Words |
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filociphur New Member
since 2006-11-15
Posts 7 |
You are the best of me The remainder of my innocence Keep me in touch with a good that I once used to know Leave me without pain Aching at the thought of your departure Leave me without a frown I whimper at the sign of your hurt Make me into the man you desire me to be If I am him show me the things you'd like for me to see Do not rest until every rock is overturned Do not repose until every stone has been cast Judge me so that my love may pass your test If not so sentence me to an eternity of longing You're not a choice you're an opportunity For no more beginnings only a better ending Trust in my faith and we'll move mountains Have faith in my trust and we will see the end of time I am brisk with my words yet subtle in my emotions Tonight I will reveal all as though poisoned by potions Let my words moisturize your soul like a lotion Set your still weariness of fear into motion Know me as I've known you through close observation Feel me as I feel you through sensual sensation Turn your doubts into barren fruitless thoughts Make of our love a den of growth and prosperity See me through the eyes of our first encounter Sense the embrace of our only touch Know that a moment in time can be everything That silence in bliss speaks much Sing among the choirs of angels Proclaim our union to the heavens Make the example of our relation a universal lesson Speak wisely of me I'll banter foolishly about your beauty Talk in tones of solemnity Find me throwing about shouts through corridors I've seen the vine where the grape of my first true love once blossomed I remember when the lust made appearances in our words Our hopes flavoured our sentences Knowledge tainted our conversations Blind faith renewed the virginity of our memoirs We could fall in love once again Make news for the room of my arrival I have waited for yours See the sun caress our voluptuous tenderness Hear the moon indulge in our most illegal passions Do not make of our scenarios conscious less assassins Rather the finest piece of art veiled under masking Feel our love in moments quickly gone that are forever lasting I'm folded marry my proposal our separation needs casting. |
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| © Copyright 2006 filociphur - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
First of all, this absolutely needs stanza's and more organization. Also put punctuation in and decaptialize the first letters of the lines that don't need to be capitalized. The little rhyming you have here is also really forced and makes almost no sense. It was a bit confusing. Try deciding what you are going to say and stating that clearly instead of using a bunch of words that don't give me the image of love, but that they are fancy and are there for looks and effect rather than the poem itself. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Line by line edit. You are the best of me ( this was actually a good beginning, making your reader want to know, who and what.) The remainder of my innocence( you can delete the "the" other than that it was ok.) Keep me in touch with a good that I once used to know(I think you mean god. ok comparison.) Leave me without pain( what pain are they leaving?) Aching at the thought of your departure(is this why they are leaving? Leave me without a frown( why would you frown, and how about just his line and take out line four. I whimper at the sign of your hurt(what is your relationship with this people, why are they hurt? its general Make me into the man you desire me to be If I am him show me the things you'd like for me to see(I didn't get that. You don't need this line, the one above only is fine. Also it is just forced rhyme. Do not rest until every rock is overturned (just above though you claim you might be what she desires. and what is she looking for?) Do not repose until every stone has been cast (in these two lines you say the same thing, why don't you try to come up with your own metaphors here.) Judge me so that my love may pass your test(doesn't that mean that she is allowing you to pass , not really judging you. If not so sentence me to an eternity of longing( where does this fit? You're not a choice you're an opportunity(how so? and Choice and Oppertunity mean the same thing. For no more beginnings only a better ending( you just said she isn't an ending pretty much, but a beginning , if I am wrong please enlighten me. Trust in my faith and we'll move mountains( how did it get to trust now? Have faith in my trust and we will see the end of time( explain how this happens I am brisk with my words yet subtle in my emotions (show us ,not tell us. Tonight I will reveal all as though poisoned by potions( poisoned how. example) Let my words moisturize your soul like a lotion Set your still weariness of fear into motion (this sentence is inverted to where it doesn't make sense to me. Know me as I've known you through close observation Feel me as I feel you through sensual sensation I like those two lines together not so much in the poem but alone. The rhyming was far enough off that I didn't mind it. Turn your doubts into barren fruitless thoughts how does that change it? couldn't barren and fruitless thoughts all serve to describe doubts? Make of our love a den of growth and prosperity (first barren now growth. the contrast is not helping. See me through the eyes of our first encounter (This was good very good.) Sense the embrace of our only touch (Ok, it lost it. Sense doesn't seem the right word here and it seems to lose its strengh.) Know that a moment in time can be everything (how so? show us.) That silence in bliss speaks much (speaks much? grammar doesn't sound right. Show us in stead of telling) Sing among the choirs of angels (Whoa to big of a jump here. ) Proclaim our union to the heavens (Why? I thought it w as in question. Describe how she would do that maybe. In a dream .. Make the example of our relation a universal lesson (how do you do that? Speak wisely of me (to whom is she speaking. I'll banter foolishly about your beauty (If you are a fool then why should she speak as if you are wise? Talk in tones of solemnity (what are these tones? Find me throwing about shouts through corridors (how to you throw about shouts? I've seen the vine where the grape of my first true love once blossomed (Can't figure how, but good line but the length pulls it. WHy don't you strengthen this and make it shorter.) I remember when the lust made appearances in our words Our hopes flavoured our sentences (how did they do this? Knowledge tainted our conversations (this can make sense but needs to be backed up by evidence that knowing something about the other or someone else affects it. Blind faith renewed the virginity of our memoirs We could fall in love once again (you could Make news for the room of my arrival (Have yet to prove even to me that she wants to do that. Give an example of why she should want to rekindle the old fire , or even you should want to. Was there anything? I have waited for yours (what have you waited for? See the sun caress our voluptuous tenderness Hear the moon indulge in our most illegal passions Do not make of our scenarios conscious less assassins (what was this sentence sopposed to mean? Forced rhyming too. Rather the finest piece of art veiled under masking (veiled and masking are too similar to mean much.) Feel our love in moments quickly gone that are forever lasting (this should be split in two, and contradicts itself by quickly gone and forever lasting I'm folded marry my proposal our separation needs casting. What? How about. I am folding the suggestion that we need to be apart Give me a chance, my marriage proposal needs asking |
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filociphur New Member
since 2006-11-15
Posts 7 |
Implementing punctuation would go against the "will" of how this was written. This piece was a flow of one thought, without pauses or breaks. Organizing this piece by breaking it into stanzas does not capture the essence of its nature either. Although an unorthodox method (the majority of my pieces having proper punctuation), I see this as the only way to properly portray this particular piece. As for having used "sophisticated" words to front a sense of style, I'm actually insulted. I do not see any such attempt in this piece. I must however thank you for posting your comments, they could very well help others that might read this piece in the future to better capture the feeling and motive behind these words. |
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filociphur New Member
since 2006-11-15
Posts 7 |
I will create notes for this piece and post them. That way, no other will feel obligated to attempt deciphering it. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Sorry I never meant to be insulting. Actually, I didn't mean it was fake, I just felt it took away from the poem some of the words. They were just to distant in places. No offense meant. Notes would be nice thanks. Ok but is there anyway you could make it easier to read without taking away from it? When you get a chance will you read my stuff? Sorry if I sounded harsh |
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