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Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

0 posted 2006-10-24 04:06 PM

Ok, you guys asked for change but its hard to change my whole persona of writing. you guys should read "i cant change" because i cant...so......

stained with the tears
that fall from your face
dripping down your cheeks
thier salt is what you taste

lifting up your head
towards the crying skies
your words despratly ring out
then they fade and die

they linger in the air
leaving a profound description
stuck in a memorie
the pain and infliction

this is like a dream
that you can feel and breath
as horrible as a movie
playing inside of me

why blame yourself
for what you didnt do
bleeding for another chance
at another empty truth

This is the only life you have, so live it to be remembered

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-24 04:21 PM

Not different but really good. Nice, your writing just seems so deep and clear I think. So true, it needs punctuation though. Brian, you write hella good but it can get confusing if we don't know what ends where and if misspellings are typos or different words

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

2 posted 2006-10-24 04:46 PM

thank you for these changes i need to make. idk why i never put in punctuation, probably because i never use it...yah...well i apprieciate it alot.

This is the only life you have, so live it to be remembered

Renegade
Junior Member

since 2006-10-21

Posts 22

3 posted 2006-10-24 05:01 PM

great imagery
your poetry has changed a bit on these

but i like it :]
tomorrow or the nextday im getting a new diary for me to write poetry in so you'll see me much more active later in the week

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-10-24 08:33 PM

why blame yourself
for what you didnt do
bleeding for another chance
at another empty truth

your endings... thay always fit the poem sum it all up... i found it a little different but awesome still...
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

5 posted 2007-06-20 06:45 PM

now this man can write!

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

6 posted 2007-06-20 07:58 PM

wow who ever you are tempest you know how to write.

-Red

Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

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