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Teen Poetry #8
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pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513


0 posted 2006-10-16 05:33 PM



I know you're her boyfriend
I know she's my best friend
But if these little looks mean something,
Then I never want them to end

She's so distant towards you...
I would never be that way
I feel so safe around you
But everyday it's the same

We seem to catch each others'glance
Then quickly look away...
I just want to be around you...
But I shouldn't feel that way.

I want to feel this way about you,
But I know it isn't right
Should I follow my head?
Or would my heart be better this time?

© Copyright 2006 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved
pip_man
Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 70
Canada
1 posted 2006-10-16 07:56 PM


Great write! I thought that this poem had great flow to it. I also thought it was very easy to read. Hope to see more!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
Jimi Hendrix

Xeonox
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Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA
2 posted 2006-10-17 03:22 PM


Good write on a topic of morality. Choose wisely and don't look back.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

tapper798
Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353
My own world
3 posted 2006-10-17 03:30 PM


I just want to be around you...
But I shouldn't feel that way.

I want to feel this way about you,
But I know it isn't right


The only critique I have is the last line in this stanza and the first one in the next. I didn't like how you used feel twice, and how you said you shouldn't feel this way, then 2 lines later, said you wanted to feel this way but it wasn't right. It was sort of redundant. Maybe you could change it to something like "my heart's telling me to stay, to not listen to my mind," or something that would rhyme better with time.

I really liked how you tied it together though and the whole concept is very well put together. Keep it up!


AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

hunnie_girl
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Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
4 posted 2006-10-18 12:18 PM


very much enjoyed... the flow was good. i hope you make the right decision and you don't regret your choice.
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace   ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

PoetrySinger
Member
since 2006-10-16
Posts 54

5 posted 2006-10-18 03:04 PM


thinks like this do happen and if its happen to u I'm sorry other then that your poem spoke form the heart and had great form but not a crowed pleaser keep working on it you'll gwet there


buttercupbaby
Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400
outside in the rain
6 posted 2006-10-18 03:55 PM


hm...i can honestly say, listen to your heart. DO NOT try and take him from your best friend! it wouldn't be nice at all! my best friend did it to me--and i know how much it hurts. even though she might not care about him, as much as you think you do, your mind is playing tricks on yoU! trust me, im sure you know that though, i can tell by this write you've probably made up your mind already. I hope you have!
but anyway, this was a great poem! easy easy to read, and simple words![which is great for me, btw..lol]
hope to read more from you!

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513

7 posted 2006-10-19 04:47 PM


Thanks, guys!
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