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Bubblegum (rewrite)
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Bubblegum (rewrite) |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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Bubblegum (rewrite) she blurs them all together dating one monstrosity of everyone she'll ever know you can't get that close, the wall's too high, to jump, at least, you'll have to climb it, but that takes too much time and you know she is the spiteful sweetheart his punched, blunt princess your punk rock prom queen a different person to everyone a metaphor in disguise dancing naked in your streets biting the tongues of strangers and smiling, ever so sweet he'll remember how he never held her hand and they'll recall how she always did demand a certain type of attention, but you, you'll just remember her turtle earrings, those songs she'd sing unwrapping a piece of bubblegum to pop a bubble in your face. -- the orginal: /main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=85&topic=001848 |
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| © Copyright 2006 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Okay...and don't mind me, but I'm posting the other here and it's all 'cause I dunno how to split the screen (laugh if y'wanna, I can't hear you)  she blurs them all together dating one monstrosity of everyone she's ever know you can't get that close whisper sweet things in the phone she'll disregard you later, you know it never much mattered what you'd say it couldn't stop her she is this sweet strange girl his blunt hurt princess your crazy punk rock girl a different person to everyone they remember her laugh those short shorts she wore as she ran screaming down away from you he remembers her tears when he hurt her he knew exactly what he was doing to make her cry and you You just remember her turtle earrings and all those songs unwrapping a piece of bubblegum to pop a bubble in your face. ------------------------------------ I'm very glad you left the last four lines untouched--they are sterling. And you did make me smile with your accomplishment here--you made me want to know more about someone while making it clear that she is an enigma. I love the twist--love the re-write, (though I wanted more) but that's implicit of the characterization of "her" too. Their might have been a couple of lumps in the gravy, still, but your characterization very nearly demands imperfection to achieve perfection. I hope that made sense. You're so talented, lady. I love your style. |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
I really thought this poem was a superb write and I loved the ending stanza. Hope to read more from you soon! ~Alli~ |
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