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pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

0 posted 2006-10-10 04:35 PM

Not too sure about this one so...be harsh if you have too.
Is it too much too ask
That I love and be loved in return?
Too much that I want you?
When I can’t have you?
Why does she have to love you?
Does she even love you?

I just wanna fall in love
I wanna fall hard
I wanna fall fast
I want it to be true
And last

And through the rain
Of my pain
I see that maybe,
There’s something more.
Better than you,
Better than longing
Something real

With someone else.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

1 posted 2006-10-11 11:41 PM

hmmmm i'm not sure about this one, not one of my fav. from you, i didn't really agree with the structure i guess it was kind of jumpy on the but i think with some work this could turn out to be a good poem there is a lot of thoughts in here...
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-10-12 09:48 AM

Well, I kind of agree with hunnie, it's not my favorite by you and it could be a better poem with some work.

The "chatroom speak" gets annoying when you read a poem, it conveys the feelings that you don't care what the reader thinks so you just slap together a poem.

The first stanza needs some work with punctuation. I think that you do not need so many question marks there, you could cut down on some of them.

Anyway, that's just being particular about little stuff... I did like the ending line of the poem. It also gives it more impact when you isolate that line.

Thanks for sharing/listening, sorry to be such a bother

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

3 posted 2006-10-13 11:43 PM

I would try and write what I'm thinking about this one, but Stargal did a much better job than I could. I enjoyed the read and think that you can improve upon it with the ideas she suggested to you.
Thanks for sharing!

~Alli~

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