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Teen Poetry #8
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my skin
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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my skin |
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shades_of_blue New Member
since 2006-10-09
Posts 1 |
Buried pain shows through this weak skin A poor covering held together by a single pin Torn and tattered peices fall and chip away For eternity, this pain and hurt seems to stay Darkened clouds blanket the sun Laying in the dust covered road As I remeber all I've done Forgotten lies and deciete Now laying at my feet Trying everything to make it disappear Praying safety to all I hold dear. |
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| © Copyright 2006 shades_of_blue - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Welcome to PiP, nice first post. ***** Buried pain shows through this skin(my skin mite work better) A poor covering held together by a single pin(love that line.) Torn and tattered peices fall and chip away(also very nice) For eternity, this pain and hurt seems to stay( semi cliche but still pretty good) Darkened clouds blanket the sun(nice imagery) Laying in the dust covered road(nice imagery here too ) As I remeber all I've done(*remember) Forgotten lies and deciete(*deceit, and you change the rymbe scheme all of a sudden starting with 'dust covered road') Now laying at my feet Trying everything to make it disappear Praying safety to all I hold dear.(praying safely for all i hold dear or the way it is that is a bit confusing. Hope you didn't mind the crittique if you don't want me to crittique I can stop. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Shades_of_blue, Welcome to passions teen forum! Glad ya decided to join us  I liked this poem, I liked what it's about. The ending part would have to be my favorite, something about it is very touching... Enjoyed reading this one and I hope to see more from you in the near future!~ "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
ohhhhhh WELCOME TO PIP sry if i appear to be hyper i am and i like when we get new members here at pip yay!:P great first post i thought it was really good i also agree kinda with rhia about the change in rhyme but it was still great... i will be looking for more of your poems around here... hunnie*  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS! defiantly an AWESOME first post! i liked this, i can already tell you are a G.R.E.A.T poet, can't wait to read more. this is my favorite part most defiantly.. As I remeber all I've done Forgotten lies and deciete Now laying at my feet well, only thing, is watch grammer/spelling..but i stink at that too so i shouldn't talk! ha, anyway,great poem!=] ~missy My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away.. my love is a waste of time if you never stay |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
Hey, welcome to Pip! First of all, this is really an awesome poem, full of a lot of raw emotions, which is good. Second, your rhyming scheme DID change in the middle (which rhia pointed out), but that's all right. Very nice first post, I can't wait to read more! When I stopped trying find the right guy, and concentrated on being the right girl, the right guy found me. |
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