Ashes of Matches - pipTalk Forums

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NCCXC86
Junior Member

since 2006-09-25

Posts 18
Michigan

0 posted 2006-10-01 04:38 PM

Happy birthday to me.
Bring out the cake.
Let them hear the wish that I'll make.

The matches strike.
Creating bright dancing flame.
The candles sputter to life.
Every year seems exactly the same.

I watch the match as it burns;
Bits of ash dropping onto the floor.
What do I wish for?
What prize do I want behind the next door?

I thought it over,
My face creased with a pout.
But then an unwelcome draft came,
And blew my candles out.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-01 05:24 PM

Happy birthday to me. (cute beginning)
Bring out the cake.
Let them hear the wish that I'll make.

The matches strike.
Creating bright dancing flame.( nice imagery)
The candles sputter to life. (nice wording)
Every year seems exactly the same. (whoa thats kind of right, it can be that way)

I watch the match as it burns;
Bits of ash dropping onto the floor. ( what color is the ash)
What do I wish for?
What prize do I want behind the next door? (awkyard the way it is, but good idea)

I thought it over,
My face creased with a pout.(does creased work here)
But then an unwelcome draft came,
And blew my candles out.

Ahhh what was your wish, you didn't tell us anything. This was ok at best, not your best write I think.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

2 posted 2006-10-01 11:02 PM

I thought it over,
My face creased with a pout.
But then an unwelcome draft came,
And blew my candles out.

my favorite stanza beautiful ending.i acually beg to differ i loved this poem it made a lot of sense to me and it had an ideal flow... good write hope to read more soon...
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-10-02 01:19 AM

LOL... Aww, this is sort of an ironic poem to read, at least to me. I liked it though; and like Rhia said it has nice imagery in it.

Although, I kind of like "creased" being used, I know you could go without but... I don't know, it seems like it could go either way.

Thanks for sharing, I loved this one a lot

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

4 posted 2006-10-02 11:01 PM

Hehe, I loved this one! Short and cute, nice job.

~Alli~

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