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Teen Poetry #8
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pip_man
Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 70
Canada

0 posted 2006-10-01 11:43 AM


I sit in my room tonight,
Bewildered, and confused,
You said you didn’t want a relationship,
But now you are changing your own rules.

Its hard to grasp the facts,
Of what you really want.
Am I just another guy,
Or am I really who you want.

I wish I knew what to say,
When I spoke to you tonight,
You told me what I hated to hear,
Now I wonder why.

I liked you like no other,
You say you like me to,
But if that is true,
Then why can't I be with you?

Its hard to grab my feelings,
With this paper and this pen,
It only scratches the surface,
And the rest is left to bleed below.

So my soul drips onto this sheet,
In an emotional despair,
You made my heart break into pieces,
That is something I can not repair.

After you did this to me
I still live to see your face,
Because if I don't then I will not survive,
Because noone can take your place.


Once again, I do not think this is that great of a poem, but I want to know what you think, so let me know.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
Jimi Hendrix

© Copyright 2006 LM - All Rights Reserved
william foos
Member
since 2006-09-13
Posts 77
schenectady,new york,usa
1 posted 2006-10-01 02:28 PM


i can relate to this write i am so confused with the relationship that i am in know
but that must be life

i see what i write and write what i see

tapper798
Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353
My own world
2 posted 2006-10-01 03:08 PM


Its hard to grab my feelings,
With this paper and this pen,
It only scratches the surface,
And the rest is left to bleed below.


even though this threw off the rhyming flow, it was my favorite stanza, very good metaphor. I really liked this piece. Although I can't say I'm going through this right now exactly, I've been through it many times..it's a sucky place to be. Don't let things get you down! They can only go up from here.

AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
3 posted 2006-10-01 05:36 PM


And the rest is left to bleed below.

This line was somewhat off.

I loved the idea of this poem,that they are chaning the rules and all that.

This was very good,

hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
4 posted 2006-10-01 10:39 PM


Because noone can take your place.

my fav. line it summed up the poem well. yet another exceptional write from you. hope you can figure out the relationship soon and feel better...
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace   ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
5 posted 2006-10-02 01:31 AM


Well I'm going to be grumpy gus and complain about a bunch of stupid little things so please forgive me ahead of time. My excuse is that it is late at night and I get grumpy at night...

Its hard to grasp the facts,
Of what you really want.
Am I just another guy,
Or am I really who you want.”
(both “want”(s) seemed a little close together for my tastes, but I’m picky about stupid things like that…)

"Its hard to grab my feelings,
With this paper and this pen,
It only scratches the surface,
And the rest is left to bleed below."
(As it has been pointed out before, this last line throws the whole thing off)

"So my soul drips onto this sheet,
In an emotional despair,
You made my heart break "
(I don't think that the "into pieces" needs to be there, but that is just me) "into pieces,
That is something I can not repair."


uhh... Yah, told you it was little stuff, take it as you will...

"After you did this to me
I still live to see your face,
Because if I don't then I will not survive,
Because noone can take your place."
I liked this part best out of the whole poem for some reason. I think because it seemed to match the poem just right instead of losing it at the end like some poems do...

Thanks for sharing/listening, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino            @-->---

tearsoflove13762
Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent
6 posted 2006-10-02 07:40 AM


NOT THAT GREAT OF A POEM!!!
why do you doubt yourself??!!
this poem is so emotional
i want to cry i dont feel your
pain but have cared for friends
in your position
thanks for sharing
i am adding this poem to my library

pip_man
Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 70
Canada
7 posted 2006-10-02 03:02 PM


Thanks for all the replies guys, and thank you very much for pointing all that stuff out to me stargal. And I just thought that I would let everyone I understand that the line "And the rest is left to bleed below" kinda throws off the whole poem, but I just felt that that was how it was, and I couldnt think of anything to replace it. Thank you all!
*Alli4000*
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188
The World of Poetry
8 posted 2006-10-02 11:04 PM


I thought you did a nice job with this poem, my only complaint would be in the second stanza the two "Of what you really want" and "Or am I really who you want" sounded a bit weird being that close together.  But other than that, I enjoyed it.

~Alli~

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