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Crash Down Again
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Crash Down Again |
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NCCXC86 Junior Member
since 2006-09-25
Posts 18Michigan |
Some days last too long No more kissing until midnight Our hearts as one at home The cold realization Shivering at night in bed Will I spend my life alone? My thoughts swirl around Can I win this game? I'm slipping away, losing touch No one to catch me, but I will fall I've been falling since you let me go Did you really love me at all? You don't know what this feels like And I don't think you want to My hands ache as I still hold on tight Because no matter what, I still love you Do you know what this means? Or am I left here to vainly hurt? I'm coming apart at the seams I gave it all to make our love work I'm falling, but will I ever land? You said you'd understand But you should just leave me here Because we'll only crash down again Watching shadows cross the ceiling At day, trying to hid what I am feeling Hope in "us" got me this far But where did I end up? So many promises I didn't keep All wrapped in nights without sleep How could I ask you to stay? As the skies turn red and gray? This is your life now, you see Go out and live it, let me be Get out while you can, please Because we'll only crash down again |
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| © Copyright 2006 Francis M. Martin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Wow...this kind of just hit me. (Made me feel a little sad too) Awesome work! |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Some days last too long No more kissing until midnight (didnt see how this fit) Our hearts as one at home (this made no sense also) The cold realization (good combination of vocab.) Shivering at night in bed Will I spend my life alone? My thoughts swirl around ( swirl is a good word, nice usage) Can I win this game? (ok line but here it doesn't seem to work,) I'm slipping away, losing touch No one to catch me, but I will fall I've been falling since you let me go Did you really love me at all? You don't know what this feels like(what does it feel like, show us) And I don't think you want to My hands ache as I still hold on tight Because no matter what, I still love you Do you know what this means?(what does it mean) Or am I left here to vainly hurt? I'm coming apart at the seams I gave it all to make our love work I'm falling, but will I ever land? You said you'd understand (understand what?) But you should just leave me here Because we'll only crash down again(loved this one line) Watching shadows cross the ceiling (very good imagery, can picture that) At day, trying to hid what I am feeling (hide)(what are you feeling) Hope in "us" got me this far But where did I end up? (where?) So many promises I didn't keep (like what promises?) All wrapped in nights without sleep ( good imagery here) How could I ask you to stay? As the skies turn red and gray? (also very good imagery) This is your life now, you see (this is your life , now you see, ) [could that work} Go out and live it, let me be ( good line) Get out while you can, please Because we'll only crash down again (nice ending, good line.) This needs punctuation. True you do not have to have punctuation in poetry by definition, but it helps the reader to get it better. This is alright, the ideas. It could use work in punctuation though. Just cause it doesn't need any punctuation in some places, the places that do, doesn't mean that there need no be any. |
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