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Teen Poetry #8
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Letting Go
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Letting Go |
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Brittany Junior Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 32Canada |
Sometimes when I’m alone, I listen to our song And sometimes I still dream about us, But I know you’re dreaming about her Sometimes I try to talk to you, But we run out of things to say I miss our endless conversations about nothing, And talking until two in the morning, Because we don’t want to say goodbye I miss you trusting me And the way you could always make me feel better When everything was going wrong I miss being in your arms And looking into your eyes I miss the sound of your heart beating And your soft breath on my cheek I hate that we never talk anymore And that that I was forgotten so easily I hate how I’m still clinging to the last shred of what we had And how when I try to move on, I compare every guy to you But no one measures up And I hate how when he finally puts his arm around me I find myself wishing it was you It’s hard to regret loving you, And looking back I can still feel the pain of losing you But of all the pain I feel Its letting go that hurts the most Or maybe not being able to Maybe it’s not even you that I miss But rather, what we had And so I sit all alone And listen to our song And dream of what we had In the past All the while knowing That you’re surrounded by friends And thinking about her And what you could have In the future ~Life Ain't Always Beautiful~ |
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| © Copyright 2006 Brittany Hale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
First of all punctuation. NIce with the spelling though. Ok , you say you are open to suggestions, and looking for ways to improve, so I am going to give you my best advice. None of what I say is meant to be mean. I think one of the things this poem did very very well was it fit the title, and it didn't mention it in every sentence, but enough so the reader says ok so the main idea is here is Letting go. Work on showing not telling so much. When you tell, it may be the saddest story in the world but it ain't gonna make anyone cry if you are just telling us. Try to use describings words to show us, use imagery. You can't let go, you miss what you had. Well , what did you have show us. Show how you can't let go. Everytime I look at your pictures , my eyes glaze over all teary you were the world to me, but one day you just turned on your heel and left me standing crying in the cold alone. that isn't very good free verse I know, but it paints more of a Picture. Images.!!!! NIce imagery though with, And looking into your eyes I miss the sound of your heart beating And your soft breath on my cheek I can see all that in my mind. Read published poets if you can, not as much PIP but others in books or on the net. Try to read free verse, if you are reading rhyming you will be thinking about that rather than the poem. Pay attention to the imagery where it gives you a picture of what is happening rather than words. Your has potential but it needs work in imagery, and punctuation to make it better |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
this is the 1st poem i have read by you and i'd have to say i liked it i know it's hard getting over someone that you loved and your poem seems like an emotional write i loved this i will be looking for more poems in the future... hunnie*  A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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pencil&paper Member
since 2006-09-09
Posts 76asleep somewhere in my head |
great poem i loved it i'm not that good at fixing poetry so i dont have suggestions PS:i think you did a good job with the poem and since i haven't seen you before "hello" (i'm still new too)  "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."~Angela Monet |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Brittany, I read your poem and I must admit I agree with a lot of what rhia said... Although, no offence to rhia, I don't think either of us has the experience to give an in-depth critique but what she said is a good start. "Sometimes when I’m alone, I listen to our song And sometimes I still dream about us" I did like this part, it seemed like there was a lot of emotion, or to me there was, in just these few lines. Ok, this is my first time in reading your poems also and I wanted to say welcome to passions! Glad you decided to join, I'll be looking for more of your poems in the near future "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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Brittany Junior Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 32Canada |
Thanks everybody, I'm glad to hear what you think! ~Life Ain't Always Beautiful~ |
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baby_gurl908 Junior Member
since 2006-08-22
Posts 15 |
great poem...i loved it |
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