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The Revolutionary's Cry
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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The Revolutionary's Cry |
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The Shadow in Blue Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493EL, Michigan 
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The Revolutionary's Cry The coup d'ètat of our day and age lyes in the voices of our teenage youth when they see our officials defending the corruption that harasses behind Old Glory's folds and abuses the tragedies with trite distaste judging a people for what few had done with hypocritical eyes profiling the Mosques for the Twin Towers depressing fate Thus causing an uproar for terrorist fight enhancing the suspiscion built up inside birthing the act for the Patriot's plight wiretapping the web and its' affiliates causing more pandemoneum then seen before all for the G.O.P. and his master plan of alienation and confrontation to his people and the U.N. and that's just our allies, not the al-Qaida Our mission isn't accomplished yet not in the very least for the war is fought on two different fronts one at home and the other overseas from the dusty amber land of Saddam Hussein's Iraq to the mainstreets of America's heartland donning the guns to the proverbial hardhats of the soldiers on the streets I'm taking my own chances to find truth between the lies. Its kinda like just what it is. http://www.myspace.com/theshedevil05 |
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| © Copyright 2006 Jill Slamka - All Rights Reserved | |||
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The Shadow in Blue Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493EL, Michigan |
EDIT The Revolutionary's Cry The coup d'ètat of our day and age lyes in the voices of our teenage youth when they see our officials defending the corruption that harasses behind Old Glory's folds and abuses the tragedies with trite distaste judging a people for what few had done with hypocritical eyes profiling the Mosques for the Twin Towers depressing fate Thus causing an uproar for terrorist fight enhancing the suspiscion built up inside birthing the act for the Patriot's plight wiretapping the web and its' affiliates causing more pandemoneum then seen before all for the G.O.P. and his master plan of alienation and confrontation to his people and the U.N. and that's just our allies, not the al-Qaida Our mission isn't accomplished yet not in the very least for the war is fought on two different fronts one at home and the other overseas arm in arm in the trenches from the dusty amber land of Saddam Hussein's Iraq to the mainstreets of America's heartland donning the guns to the proverbial hardhats of the soldiers on the streets |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Ah, Jill, welcome back to the pip teen forum! It has been quite awhile. In fact I would've missed this poem if I hadn't realized you were back (merci beaucoup for the comment^^). So, I'm a little ... well, I didn't feel like this was one of your bests. No offence, I love all of your poems but this one seems to leave you hanging a little bit. It has WONDERFUL parts but there's so much going on in the whole thing that it's a little bit hard to understand all of it together, if you know what I mean... I did like this part a lot though, "enhancing the suspiscion built up inside birthing the act for the Patriot's plight wiretapping the web and its' affiliates" It appears to be very well written and I think that you put a lot of thought into this poem. As for what I said above, I must restate that, it's not to complicated to tell what's going on as a whole but you might want to narrow it down a little bit? ArrG! Ignore me, I have no idea what I'm talking about, again. Thanks for sharing, it was a pleasure to read more of your writing  "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It had great ideas, but way too much going on here. Also if you put punctuation that would be helpfull. It could use work, and editing it, and punctuation. Maybe trying picking out the message you want to say and sticking to that. I agree with alot of the ideas here, but there are too many to keep track of. You don't need alot of the extra words. You could always make another poem if you have to many ideas for this sone poem. |
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The Shadow in Blue Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493EL, Michigan |
I couldn't stay away too long otherwise I'd miss well...a lot... I get the misunderstanding of the overall feel, but hey this poem I tried to force out because I got into a rut. I guess you could say I was in one of my Anti-Establishment moods where all of my cluttered complaints came through (*strokes chin with furrowed browl*). Anyways, glad to be back and thanks for the comment Captain S. *salute* Rhia-I'll take your critique's into consideration when I rewrite this cluttered piece.I guess I was a little (to quote Led Zeppelin)Dazed and Confused when I wrote this-thanks for taking the time to comment. ~Jill |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Captain S? Reminds me of those super heroes running around in their underwear... I did want to add that after re-reading both of the drafts I like the second one better because it seems a little bit more polished. Your ideas aren’t flying around quite as bad as in the first one, not that it’s bad but, well, I liked the second one better… Just thought I'd add that... "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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