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buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

0 posted 2006-09-21 10:16 PM

Broken in spirit
Broken in soul
Broken in heart
no tears to console

Hurt on the inside
and on the out
Hurt on my face
Everyone sees my doubt

Life isn't worth it
Death is too far
So im in between two lives
It seems so bizarre

Nothing ever really hurt me
cause i never had anything to worry about
i have nothing left in me
im just living...life, without.

so, i don't think this is one of my best either, but i just felt like posting..so, any ideas you have to add on to it, or take away and replace something, please feel free to tell me!

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

wwzwlmd8
Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 96
San Diego,CA

1 posted 2006-09-24 08:52 AM

It doesn't really say anything about living without some one maybe you should of fit it in your poem somewhere.

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

2 posted 2006-09-24 06:00 PM

hm, ok. its not really about living "without someone" its just about..not really living..idk,ill try! thanks.

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

3 posted 2006-09-24 06:30 PM

Wow, I think this poem was one of your better ones at the rhyming and flow. All your words just fit together so well, in my opinion, until the last stanza where it kind of felt...off. But overall, nice job Marisa. Keep it up!

~Alli~

nick_lyss
Member

since 2006-08-21

Posts 88

4 posted 2006-09-24 08:42 PM

i think this poem is good keep writing

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

5 posted 2006-09-25 10:35 AM

thanks alli and nick_lyss...im glad y'all liked it!

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

6 posted 2006-10-04 03:10 PM

i really like this poem i hope to read more soon...
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

7 posted 2006-10-04 05:16 PM

"Life isn't worth it
Death is too far
So im in between two lives
It seems so bizarre"

My favorite part in the whole poem would have to be above^^ I have gotten to that point before...

So, I guess I agree with alli on the last stanza being off. The stanza fit the rest of the poem just the words weren't as smoothly read as the rest.

I found this to be a very enjoyable read and I hope to see more soon

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

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