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Teen Poetry #8
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Lost Life
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Lost Life |
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~Jonnybalze223~ New Member
since 2006-09-19
Posts 5 |
Running away from it all~ Turning away and taking the fall~ Building yourself up to make the call~ For certain running down a never ending hall~ Everything you want, you taunt, you sap and shunt~ Tapping, the haunting, the ghost you fear is very near~ Taking it out on everyone around me, still I have no eyes to see~ I’m forever lost in translation, feeling so much temptation~ You’ll be there for me when I turn around~ I can’t show any emotion, I can’t put out any sound~ Sitting in the dark listening to the beat of my heart~ Chasing my body with poison, there’s just too much corrosion.~ Over the years I sat here wondering why me~ I can’t see the world, for my eyes will not let me see~ The pounding of my heart is fading, my heart is decaying~ I keep praying that I will change, its time to change, time to rearrange~ I can’t bear the sickness filled with relentlessness~ I seek my feelings so deep, there gone without a sign of relief~ When I’m gone keep me close, make a toast, sit back and coast~ I was once the host to most, but now I’m gone forever~ Targeting my dreams filled with dangerous schemes~ I can only feel remorse, no rejoicing, no resort to passion; I’m just a plane crashing~ Falling towards my fear, the time is near, I shed one tear~ In hope to find my home its forever gone here lays my tomb~ Wrapped in all this pain, I have to walk with a Cane, slain by my own name~ I take a hit of this cocaine and there’s no more pain to retain~ I’m back in reality but in actuality I suffered a fatality~ Captivating my soul, my body is now whole; I can live my life fourfold~ Hindering the sin that has caused the pain, I trained my soul to regain~ There is no more anticipation to the pain I have left behind me to drain~ |
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pip_man Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 70Canada |
Wow man, this is an intense poem. Welcome to pip. I hope you enjoy the site. I thought this was a great first post, or great post in general. Hope to see more from you! Great write! "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Personally I thought that this had way to much going on, I got to the second stanza and I was confused. It could use some work. Sounds as if you had a bunch of amazing lines and ideas but you tried to put them all in one poem.Doesn't work that way always, if you are lucky or really good it works, if not it is just confusing. Maybe if you narrow it down more , its intense but it could be still really good but not as intense if you got rid of some of the ideas and expanded on what you already have. The vocab. very impressive, as was quite of few of those lines and ideas. Write them down if you have ideas and want to use them but don't work with the poem. good, but with work you could make it rather amazing I think with all your great ideas. |
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bekahlekah45 Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533 |
its a really good poem! and reminds me of a rap... good job : ) |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Wrapped in all this pain, I have to walk with a Cane, slain by my own name~ I take a hit of this cocaine and there’s no more pain to retain~ I’m back in reality but in actuality I suffered a fatality~ Captivating my soul, my body is now whole; I can live my life fourfold this is my fav stanza. wow this was a really deep poem i loved it it i don't know just captured me in it.... your right if it's from the heart you shouldn't change it i felt this poem was from the heart and soul wow it was amazing... WELCOME TO PIP i really hope to read more poems written by you wow loved your first poem it was strong for a first post.... hunnie* A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi ~Jonnyblaz223~, Welcome to passions! It is so nice to see another new face join the ranks in the teen poetry section, I know I'm getting tired of all the same people posting over and over! lolz... jk I love it when ya'll post... but seriously welcome! Interesting poem, I kind of agree with a little bit of everything said before me. It IS a little bit to ... cluttered to me but I also liked it. I'm not sure exactly what to say in describing it... Thanks for sharing! I can't wait to read more of your work  "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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The Shadow in Blue Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493EL, Michigan |
So you are saying I shouldn't post any of my poems on here Stargal... *raises eyebrowl*(j/k ^_^ ) I'd have to agree with the comments above concerning the clutter of ideas, but overall it is rich in vocab and pretty intense. All I'd have to say is stay on topic and keep writing. Oh and Welcome to the hallowed halls of P.I.P. ^_^ ~Jill |
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~Jonnybalze223~ New Member
since 2006-09-19
Posts 5 |
you guys i guess dont understand it! to the writer...me it is perfect i guess you guys get lost probably because you didnt write it? if you knew what it was about the ideas would fit. |
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krazy 4 her Junior Member
since 2006-09-14
Posts 38Your parent's front porch |
Personaly, I liked it. And- uh so did everybody else. Only one person said it was confusing. Sooo, don't be hatin' on them. W/e, good poem. Reminded me of a rap too. |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
you did a great job for your first time it's my first time as a member to hope you read my poem. |
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