you got a brand new girlfriend

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hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

0 posted 2006-09-20 01:57 PM

you have another girl at your beck and call,
they belive in your charm but admit it you don't know them at all,
so when you said i love you with all my heart,
i saw right through you from the start,

but right now your with her,
on yet another detour,
she thinks you'll last long,
she couldn't have been more wrong,

i stopped being jealous over each new one,
but it's over now you lost i won,
so think of that when your with someone new,
don't ask me questions i don't have the answer to,

have fun in your lies and grief,
i'm done with you i've turned another cheek,
you got a brand new girlfriend,
blonde bimbo with a mini skirt is the this weeks trend

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

nostalgic*pride
Member

since 2006-08-23

Posts 122
NowhereVille

1 posted 2006-09-25 12:39 PM

Yet another awesome poem by you. Sorry I haven't been here to comment lately. But this rox. Good job.

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

2 posted 2006-09-25 12:57 PM

woah, you are a amazing poet hunnie! i loved it! i wish i was able to write stuff as good as this lately! ha, oh well.

anyway, isn't it funny, how when we think we're in love, we can't see the lies guys tell us, but as soon as they're gone, we see the lies so clearly? girls--we always see the lies when its happening to other girls, but never when its happening to us. sad huh?

good luck and great post!

ps-i just added you in my library!=) go you!lol

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

3 posted 2006-09-25 01:32 PM

this is well written two things, in L3 take out the it in

Admit it you dont know her at all

Admit you don't know her at all , flows and sounds better, at least to me.

L10 , could use punctuation something between, You lost (right here)I won.

and L8

maybe

she couldn't be more wrong

works better cause, in ur poem it is pretty much present tense you switch to
Couldn't have been more wrong

??/

yours,
Rhia

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-09-26 12:28 PM

wow thanks y'all and thank you rhia on the critiqe yea i thought that line was a little off too but i couldn't think of how to shoren it but i guess the it did it heehee tx again for your responds everyone...
hunnie*

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

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