growing up - 1st revision (critiques welcome)

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Open Poetry #44

growing up - 1st revision (critiques welcome)

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

0 posted 2009-03-22 12:16 PM

He can fling the table hanging
in the arc bound by his combat boots
and Jim’s frangible jaw, who cares about
the lobster? His drunk father seeks
to coax his old school friend to “let
it go” not for the sake of his
own son, but for the mother witnessing
the scene, stark stares unflinching
as peregrines gauging their pending
pitches, their stark stares molded by
cold years of hate and martial arts.

He cannot stay, his mom drives him
to Montreal where they will spend
the weekend; as they reach the bridge
to Montreal, he hopes he hasn’t
forgotten his old teddy bear
out in the yard, that he won’t find
deep tracks of their loud Harleys’ wheels
imprinted on its chest.

The dining table is no longer
where they share their bread. It’s filled
with empty cans of beer, the room
is filled with smoke. Jim’s hand is clamped
upon his throat, he punches hard
to be released, and then escape,
pursued out, in the icy darkness,
to hide behind the vacant house
across the cemetery, where he
will spend the night.

He stares, he’s calm and ready for
the fight. After long minutes, Jim
steps back, lowers his eyes, and sits.
No spoken word. He knows. Jim knows.
The little boy’s become a man.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2009-03-22 05:42 PM

Hi Marc. Though I didn't post a reply, I did read the first version.
For me, it was far more dynamic and powerful than the rewrite.
But that's just MHO.

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

2 posted 2009-03-22 05:44 PM

I agree with Midnitesun! ~ No revised needed, good stuff

ARCTIC WIND

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

3 posted 2009-03-22 09:22 PM

Midnitesun & Arctic Wind, thanks for the feedback. I believe that all of my poems need revision, especially my first draughts. And more often than not, they need more than one! I am now trying to see where I have enhanced the piece, where it may have love some of its original power, and keep working on it.

Mark

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