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Open Poetry #44
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growing up - first draught, critiques welcome
| Open Poetry #44 |
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growing up - first draught, critiques welcome |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
The table is all that lies in the way From my steel-toe Doc Marten’s to his jaw; I can fling it away, who cares about The lobster now? My father, by his side, Asks him to “let it go” - not for my sake, But that of my mother, who sits next to Me, saying nothing, not in words. I stare, Unflinching: a cold stare, molded by years Of training in the martial arts. My mom is driving me to Montreal: He’s come again, it’s safer if I go; We’ll sleep at grandma’s, and then visit Carl, Who is in jail for murder. He’s not scary, He’s always been real nice to me. The dining table is no longer where We share our bread. It’s filled with empty bottles Of beer, the room is filled with smoke. Jim’s hand Clamps on my throat, I punch and knee his ribs With all my might. Released, I then escape Into the darkness, pursued by his friend; I spend the night outside, hidden behind the vacant house across the cemetery. I stare, I’m calm and ready for the fight. After long minutes, he steps back, he lowers His eyes, and sits. No word. I know. He knows. I have become a man, to be reckoned with. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
The first of your work I’ve had the pleasure of reading, Marc. You’ve done a really nice job of capturing tension and anger in this tale of growing up. My off the cuff impressions are, I think I’d like to see maybe the first four lines or so of S3 as the opener, then go back to fleshing out the scene with parts from S1. S2 doesn’t see to move the poem along and I find it a bit confusing. The ending also confuses me. S3 has N hiding behind a vacant house yet in S4 you say his opponent knows N has become a man to reckon with. That confuses me. A man to reckon with wouldn’t be hiding, would he? I’m also having a little difficulty sorting out all the characters. I’m not very good at meter or scansion, but to me it seems mostly IP with a few exceptions. Wish I could do as well. All in all, I’d say a good first draft. Good luck with your revisions! |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Mark, This is an interesting family story. It would be improved by not starting each line with a cap. Bobby |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
A is for Alpha, and this is some vivid imagery. The tone is tense and I understood it and felt it. (I'm not qualified to critique anything beyond that.) I don't even know meter when I write it m'self.  But I did enjoy, very much, the view. It's a scene I'm not comfortable with, but I am familiar with the tension.  |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Jennifer, heartfelt thanks for taking the time to write this thorough feedback, you’ve given me what I was exactly looking for: review on the tension (or lack thereof) and clarity. The first stanza and last stanza depict the same scene. The second stanza goes quite a few years back, the third stanza a year or two before the second. This lack of clarity is what I want to work upon now. I have tried to clear it up through the title, but that’s probably not enough. I’m glad you’re “not very good at meter” for this is written rather loose blank verse, with a liberal use of metrical substitutions. Balladeer should be here at any moment, rapping my fingers for writing this Websterian blank verse, and rightly so. At this stage, I want to concentrate on the narrative, and come back to the meter and music at a later revision.Bobby, thanks for reading. I was pretty sure you would get it. As for improving the piece, it will need more than merely changing to low caps, and that is only a question of style. I might give it try and see if and how it affects the read. Serenity Blaze, thanks for reading and for the feedback. I’m glad to know you’ve felt the tension. I’d like to know whether you’ve also experienced a degree of difficulty with the piece’s chronology. Mark |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Marc: Please forgive me... critique is not my forte at ALL! *S* However... after reading the poem a couple of times and your response... my thoughts ar: The tension of the first and last stanzas is palpable... the 3rd stanza gives the history... the second stanza doesn't really seem necessary. But that's just me... it's a fantastic work!! |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
Marc..I don't usually add my two cents in..but I can relate to his one so I tried removing a lot of words so other showed.. only my humble opinion...regards..DS it was table top protection from the martial arts of my doc marten's with the steal toes and the stare too unflinching like the winter cold who cares about the lobster now it can be flung aside like his actions and dad would ask him to let it go not for my sake but for our mother the family table is no longer family not where we share the common bread it is just a table now, with beer bottles that witness his hands at my throat and then the blessing of my knee to his ribs a new understanding that another man is here an equal to him with determination and time to make him remember those things he forgot |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Suthern, thanks for the feedback. Yep, the second stanza appears to be too weak. It should say something that adds poignancy to the poem, but it doesn’t…I’ll rework it. Dark Stranger, your two cents are appreciated here. I’m not too sure your version is what I am aiming it for, but it highlights some areas, and it is helpful to see how another poet sees and reads it. Actually, I am considering cutting all the words, shuffle them in my box, and then rewrite, as I pull the words out randomly. Yep, I can be that stupid…often a waste of time, at times it can be revelatory. Mark |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
As a first draft this is very good, there’s plenty of material to work with, which is always a good thing. I think S2 is a little superfluous, or it seems that way - if it’s important you need to highlight it’s importance, if only to avoid me calling it superfluous. One big thing that took the edge off this for me was the fact that it was written the first persons perspective which allows the question of whether this is real or an embellishment by the speaker - more brag than bravado - if you know what I mean. I’m not saying that’s the case but that the perspective allows that. You could eliminate that by changing the perspective, so that the reader gets an impartial description of fact. I saw a pink elephant dancing Isn’t as convincing as: He saw the pink elephant dance The first is open to debate and the speaker can be doubted, in the second version the unnamed, seemingly all-seeing speaker gives it an air of confirmation by an independent witness. Just a thought. . |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
You know, honestly, I just liked the story. I have to say the longer version is more for the masses and the shorter for the poets elite which I am not one. Stories are wonderful regardless of the shape and form. Some tightening up may be in order to tweak this to perfection if there is such a thing. However, this is a wonderful poetic window into the raw segment of family relationships and there's a lot in there. I feel it will take most readers on the intended virtual trip of familiarity applying to thier own recall. I liked it Mark but I don't know anything at all so really not qualified to pass much of a judgement. Eric |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
I agree with the other poets  ARCTIC WIND |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
"The lobster now? My father, by his side," This line seems laid out oddly to me. I know that the lobster must have been on the table that you mentioned in the first line, but this takes a little bit of stop-and-think to get through, which is a shame so early in the poem. It might just be me, and otherwise good job. |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Marc-Andre - a coming of age, well written... BC |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Grinch, thanks for your critique. Yep, I realise that stanza 2 isn’t achieving its purpose, and it will be reworked. I have actually been toying with the idea of changing the point of view to a third-person narrator, I might give it a go. Thanks for bringing it up. Eric, thanks for reading, and I, for one, believe that I have lots to learn from you, both your poems and input. Arctic Wind, thanks for reading. Eminor Angel, thanks for the feedback. Yep, the lobster comes in L4, and I have to admit that I didn’t even consider this. I’ll see if I can make the distance less in my revision. Bill, thanks for reading. I will post the first revision early next week. |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Hi Marc, very interesting story, I enjoyed the atmosphere and the feelings of the character..Nicely done. regards yann |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Marc You've already got some helpful comments here I think, I just have a couple of things to add. The best thing about this is the momentum imo. You've generated plenty of action right from the starting gun, although I'd be tempted to strengthen the opening, to emphasise the machismo, still further by changing the rather passive "lies in the way" to "protects him" - even though it ruffles the IP a bit. The next small nit is the line break at L6, which is daring to say the least. For me it doesn't work. L8, humm. I know that "cold stare" is in character, i.e. the speaker is fantasising in the cliche of westerns and ninjas (or whatever), but it was, for me, a cliche too far. Maybe lose the second "he" in L24. And the close. I can't make my mind up about the final line. I'm inclined to think that it's over-egging it (like cold stare). Perhaps either "becoming a man" or "to be reckoned with" but not both. But then again perhaps not! Not sure that I've been much help here. But it was a fun read. Thanks. M |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Yann, merci pour les commentaires encourageant. Ca fait toujours plaisir. Moonbeam, yes, I've received a lot of invaluable feedback here, beyond my expectations. And yours here also brings up other valid points. They will all be taken into account when I revise, I'm just waiting for the time to do it, as I work at weekends. Thanks for your time, it's appreciated. Mark |
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