Je me souviens: the English translation

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

0 posted 2009-01-24 07:48 AM

I hark back to my native land
Its spices and the old jug band;
Delightful childhood reminiscence
Accentuates the present silence.

It has become a no-man’s-land
Where boys and girls have to withstand
The famine and a daily violence
Beyond a soldier’s trained endurance.

I hark back to my native land
Once beautiful and so well-manned;
Now I live here as under sentence
To days and night in total silence:
It’s come to more than I can stand.

Je me souviens de mon pays,
De ces saveurs, odeurs et bruits
Ces memoires de mon enfance,
Mon present vecu en silence.

Il fallait bien que je m’enfuis
Du vacarme de leurs fusils,
De leurs harangues et des cris
De tout ces enfants en souffrance.
Je me souviens.

Il y a des jours, je m’ennuie
Des paysages de ma patrie,
De ces boites et de ces dances;
Depuis que j’habite en France
Je sens que je vie chez autrui.
Je me souviens.

As a New Year resolution, I have made translation monthly self-torture. I kept the original meter and rhyming scheme, but it came up with near-rhymes. Any critique that could help me on the (ig)noble art of translation would be greatly appreciated. Mark

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

1 posted 2009-01-24 10:45 AM

You are right Art, translation is a torture if you want to respect both sense and rhyme, you have to abandon one of them and more sometimes, you have to sometimes change images between the two languages to preserve the poetic aspect, let the sense sometime escape and keep the poetry....
that's my opinion, and thank you again for the beautiful poem (I prefer the french version which is more natural and less complicate)

regards

yann

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

2 posted 2009-01-24 11:29 AM

Thanks, Yann. I also prefer the French version. Even if I cast rhyme and meter away, I wonder if I could possibly produce a completely faithful translation...

Mark

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2009-01-26 08:19 PM

It's always a problem, that the rhythm, tone and 'flavor' of a language...the pure 'poetry' of it is frequently hidden if not completely lost in translation.
I think it's great when someone takes the time to try to go beyond translating 'meaning' or intent. It is difficult enough to do justice to translating metaphors and idiomatic expressions, let alone capture the flow and inherent beauty of poetic expression.
Thank you for your efforts, they are never wasted!

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

4 posted 2009-01-27 10:06 AM

Yo Marc-Andre,

It’s interesting how ones perspective can change with age.

Bobby

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

5 posted 2009-01-27 08:30 PM

Thanks for the encouragement, Midnitesun.

I agree with you on that, Bobby. My perspectives have changed dramatically in the last decades, as they are about to change in the next ones. Mark

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light