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Open Poetry #44
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viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2009-01-16 12:25 PM


“Can you please hand me
a tissue?”
She said.
And smiled, with teeth
so white.

You could melt glass
with light from those teeth.
Leave windows and mirrors
a melting, supernova orange.

You’re beautiful,
but there’s no way
I’m letting you into my car.


____________________________________
(Old poem, not a part of a series...)

Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand.

© Copyright 2009 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
1 posted 2009-01-16 01:07 AM


Hey Paul, I be watching you!

Fix the first stanza to:

“Can you please hand me
a tissue,” she asked
and smiled -- her teeth
so white!

Rest is more than fine. You just might have a future in this business, which is a curse, not a blessing.  Pick at some of your stuff like you were poking a needle in your own eye, and send it out.

You're creating the type of owrk that would get you into Grad School at the University of Iowa's Writer's Program.  You're supposed to get a BA first, but they make excdeptions.

Take everything seriously, now that you are getting serious, every word, every punctuation mark, and do what you do with informed integrity.

Yours intangerine, Jimbeaux (I remember EVERYTHING)

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2 posted 2009-01-16 01:25 AM


Yo Paul,

Don't be that way.  You can miss out on a lot of fun with an attitude like that.

Bobby

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
3 posted 2009-01-16 01:54 PM


You have a clever and unique style of writing. I dig it!

Note to myself: Don't flash the pearly whites at the Viking! lol


Linda

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

4 posted 2009-01-16 06:28 PM


I've been smiling at the title alone, and you already know I'm a fan...

this kinda reminds me of an old flame I called Pepsodent (and no, he didn't like it when I did that)

but lovin' what you are doing here, and I'm grateful to peek in your notebooks occasionally.

viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
5 posted 2009-01-16 09:42 PM


Jimuelson... WOW! Thanks for the vote of confidence, and thank you for taking everything and keeping it in your brain, that's incredible. I still like that poem...

Bobo... Trust me, I let her in my car. =]

EA... Fanks.  

Serenity... I'm glad you enjoyed it!

-P

Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand.

ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
6 posted 2009-01-17 05:20 AM


I know what you mean. Can you imagine the damage she could do with those teeth.......You just might have to wear dark glasses the rest of your life.

Well, cause you'd be supernova star. In certain eyes of course.

Was her name Andromeda Jones or something like that?

Eric

viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
7 posted 2009-01-17 02:44 PM


Nope. Her name was Jackie. Ha! More discreet than Jackie Andromeda  

Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand.

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