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Need some...advice/help/direction/love/...somthing
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Need some...advice/help/direction/love/...somthing |
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Penwing Member
since 2009-07-27
Posts 73Waverly, MN |
I just lost my supposed love of my life. Im not so much overcome with grief, as now im wondering where do i go from here? I feel a little lost right now. i am a horrible addict to the feeling of having a lover by your side. now that i am without it i feel quite...empty. and recovering from major ear surgrery my thoughtd aern't the most clear. |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
1. Find the book "Positive Addictions" by William Glasser. 2. Read it.  |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
I don't know if my method would be helpful to you but I'll tell you what I did when this happened to me. I went through the whole phases of Denial. (Shock: I was kind of at unease when I lost the one I loved. Denial: I didn't want to believe that those certain reasons why it happened were actually true. Anger: I was more mad at myself more then everyone else. Guilt: I felt like I did something wrong. Depression: I dabble in and out of depression every now and then. but I felt like I've met my lowest of my low. Recovery: I guess you can say I "recovered" but I don't remember ever having an epiphany moment in which I realized "I'm recovered." Hope: Eventually I did end up having some kind of hope in the end. Acceptance: I eventually accepted the whole thing and learned from what happen.) Now I don't know if that will happen to you. I hope it goes easy for you. Just know that in the end you will get better some day. Keep hanging in there and keep that hope. -Zach Wish I could find love.. But all I find these days are superficial fish in shallow waters. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Have you thought about what it is that you feel you're missing inside? What is the exact shape of the emptiness, and what would it take to fill that? This is a curious thing, when you think about it, do you see? Because the "who" you lost was outside, and yet the emptiness you feel is inside, isn't it. This is an important piece of learning about yourself, if you can stay with that feeling, and ask it what does that emptiness inside miss and how might you consider helping to supply it? You needn't demand answers to these questions, but it is helpful to sit back, close your eyes, say hello to yourself like a new friend and then ask, politely. Listen carefully, like you'd listen to a friend, and don't badger yourself for fast details, simply ask and listen respectfully, like you would if you were talking to a younger child who was a bit frightened, but whom you were trying to make friends with. This is very much what you're trying to do. We tend to be very short and impatient with ourselves. Pretend to be like a kind grandparent, if you can, somebody without so much a stake in making the kid do the right thing right now. Somebody with a big stake in making sure the kid feels safe enough to speak and tell the truth. It's a good way to start having kind conversations with yourself. The sort where you find out things about yourself that you didn't know before you started, not the kind where you start telling yourself the answers that were already too difficult to put into practice before you began the conversations. Is this the sort of stuff that you were asking about, Penwing? Or do you need some other sort of conversation that might feel more helpful? If you can let me know, maybe I can do better next time I give it a shot, so that the conversation can be more directly helpful. That's what I'd like to be able to do. Is that Okay? Yours, Bob Kaven |
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Bec Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 475Canberra |
Your friends (both on- and off-line!) are a fantastic source of support. At a time like this, you can feel a little lost. You've been part of a couple for so long, it's hard to remember how to be single again. But take the time to enjoy yourself, do the things that you want to do, maybe there's a book you've been meaning to read, an art gallery you wanted to visit, a movie you wanted to see, but couldn't - no time, relationship stuff, whatever reason. Grab your pen! Even if what you write doesn't make it to the blue pages, it can be a release for you personally to get things out. Okay, personal admission time... I've been in therapy for a year now. My therapist taught me the most fantastic exercise. If I find I'm worrying, or I have negative thoughts, I have to acknowledge the thought, but put it aside to deal with in my alloted "worry time", which is usually half an hour or an hour after I get home from work. I have a box by my bed with a pen and index cards. In that "worry time", I write down everything I've been thinking about, throw the card in the box and put the lid on. I've gotten the thought out, I've processed it, and it encourages me to move on. I amended the exercise a little, and she thought it was great. Alongside my worry box (a black gift box), I have a happy box (a brightly coloured, swirly patterned gift box). After worry time, I write down happy thoughts to put in the box. It might be something as simple as the cashier at the grocery store who complimented my haircut. I never look at the worry box again, but I look at the happy box as often as I want. Sometimes on really bad days, I take a happy box card out and put it in my purse to carry with me all day. It doesn't help when people say, "It's for the best", or "Just get back on the horse", or "I never really liked them anyway" but just remember they mean well. Hope that helps a bit. Bec "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"~ Matchbox 20 |
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