Pardon me; Graeshine, you report going through the motions and everything being there ("it's all there-"). It's not clear to me if you have the feelings that go with these motions that you're making or not. You do report feeling worse when you have the kids for your scheduled time with them, so it sounds to me that you actually are having feelings and variations of them, and that you aren't simply feeling monochromatically bad. Were that the case, you might want to think about a medication review. But it sounds that you are having good effect from your medications and that you have a range of feelings about yourself, the people around you and the world in general.
Is that true? If it is not true, and you have had a long trial on your current medication, discuss this with your doctor and see what she says.
If it is true, the problem may be a bit different. It may lie in the contents of your worrying. What is it that worries you, and exactly how realistic are those worries.
Where is the true joy? you ask yourself. Well, how often do you feel true joy before the divorce? how did you recognize it?
If you're like most people, it wasn't very often. Frankly I can't say that I know anybody who spends even one percent of their time feeling true joy, and usuually it's a microscopic fraction of that, an experience of once or twice a year, if that? You might want to check around and ask people you know to see how frequently they experience true joy, and how they know they feel it, how they identify it. Feeling okay, fairly well or something along those lines are much more common. People who practice certain kinds of meditation that focus on compassion and similar sets of feelings for others may experience feelings closer to what you're talking about as true joy for extended periods of time, but were that the case, you wouldn't have been writing this note, I suspect.
It sounds that your expectations for what you should be feeling may be out of line with what you're actually doing in life to help create the situations for these feelings to live within.
Why can't you move on?
Look around you. Are you still living in the same house? Do you still live with the same people for the same amount of time that you used to live with them? Is your schedule the same? Does your house look or smell the same? Do you have the same furniture? do you do the same laundry? Do you invite the same people to all the same parties for all the same reasons?
I thought not.
What do you mean, can't you move on? You have moved on! Otherwise none of these things would have changed, would they. The difference is that you're telling yourself a lie about it now (I haven't moved on. Nothing has changed. I'm still the same as I was.) and you're not bothering to confront the lie when you tell it. You wouldn't tolerate that sort of duplicity from your husband, why would you tolerate it from yourself? For years.
And yes, the fact that you're questioning this is a very good thing.
You have moved on. You simply have conspired with your depression not to notice. Now it's time to talk back to the depression and tell it the truth. Truth is useful.
Do it with some compassion for yourself, though. It sounds as if you could use some of that along the way as well. Keep us all up to date.
Best to you, BobK.