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Passions in Poetry

Help maybe?

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Luskalilly
New Member
since 05-19-2008
[First Post] 5
Kamloops, B.C Canada


0 posted 05-19-2008 09:52 AM       View Profile for Luskalilly   Email Luskalilly   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Luskalilly

Im goin through a hardtime right now over a guy, And im no good at poems never have been but im tryin to write him one cause i luv them. This is all i have though of so far so let me know what u think or any changes before i send it to him.


I hate him, i love him
i want him to die, i want him to live
i need him he dont need me
I see him he dont see me
he loves her not me

You cant spell slaughter without laughter

Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


1 posted 05-20-2008 07:08 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Luskalilly,

          As a poem, it's pretty much perfect as it is.  I'd make sure to capitalize all the"i"s you're using, because you're  worth more than the lower case, and a person needs to show some respect to herself.  Especially a woman.

     If you make the poem any longer, you'll be writing away from what you've said.  Any shorter, and you'll be picking away at it.  I don't know if it'll correct your boyfriend situation, but it's a very nice piece of art.  You have a right to be very pleased with yourself.

     Sincerely, BobK.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


2 posted 05-21-2008 05:58 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I hate him, i love him
i want him to die, i want him to live
i need him he dont need me
I see him he dont see me
he loves her not me


well I  agree with Bob about the "i's" but I also think don't should be changed to doesn't and I am not sure if I were him, that I would be happy about someone saying they wished I would  die.

M
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


3 posted 05-21-2008 10:01 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

I hate him, I love him
I want him to leave, I want him to stay
I need him, he doesn't need me
I see him, he doesn't see me
he loves her, not me


I took the suggestions from Bob and Maureen to show you what it would be like with those changes, and I like how it is, I wouldn't add more, like Bob said.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


4 posted 05-22-2008 05:57 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

Sounds great, Sea

M
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


5 posted 05-22-2008 05:10 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Yeah don't change a thing! The guy will be sure to understand your words. I think this is really good. Hope things turn out for the best.

~Zach~

~Zach~

"Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant."

Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


6 posted 05-23-2008 07:51 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K



Maureen is right.  That's why it's better to have more than one reader.  I think it's better to keep in the wanting him to die bit, not because it's friendly but because it is unexpected and because it is this kind of love, which isn't necessarily nice.
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