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Passions in Poetry

Teenager seeking advice of the emotional variety

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The Shadow in Blue
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since 05-18-2006
Posts 488
EL, Michigan


0 posted 04-06-2008 08:42 PM       View Profile for The Shadow in Blue   Email The Shadow in Blue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Shadow in Blue's Home Page   View IP for The Shadow in Blue

*Warning: In the following post I will be rambling off kilter all helter skelter, but please stick it out.


**side note:sorry if this is getting incomprehensible, but I have a tendency to ramble when flustered.

First off, I would just like to say, boy this place sure has changed in a year. Makes me wonder what I missed. Oh... by the way, my name is Jill, a.k.a. : The Shadow in Blue. I origonally haunted the teen forums and had some soires into the philosophy forum,etc.

Anyway,all introductions aside, the reason I'm posting on this particular board, at this particular moment is because of an unfortunate fall out with a friend, poorly handled on his part, that led to a harsh betrayal. This betrayal is that of undeserved desertion and a renouncing of our friendship.

This opened up a whole new can of worms involving my unnatural paranoia and subsequential trust issue. Now I am not your garden variety neurotic because all things considered I'm a friendly, proud chatterbox, but that doesn't mean I'm immune to certain insecurities.

Basically, the main (knowingly unfounded) insecurity is people don't give a damn about me. Now as stated above I know that's not necessarily true, but due to past betrayals in my early youth it's been reinforced ten times over. Anyway, this leads to a masochism with regards to vulnerablity, because I don't want to reveal my weakness only to get stabbed in the back (again).

Basically my man question is...how to you open up to your friends about more intimate situations (such as betrayal,deep set fears) when your brain is screaming, "no, don't do that." and your heart is begging otherwise." The result being babble such as this.

I know long ass post for a simple question.

I'd really appreciate your advice and no this is not a trick question

Tchao!
Jill
Alison
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1 posted 04-06-2008 09:04 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Hi Jill,

I am gonna give this a shot - and I will probably ramble right back at you.

My answer is kind of a story, so hang in with me, okay?

When I was in highschool, I was from a small town with another small town right next to it. Both had their own Highschools, sports teams, cheerleaders, etc.

There was a beautiful cheerleader in the other town.  All the guys loved her (including my boyfriend, my brother, his friends .. get the picture?) - she was just this really pretty, fun girl.

I went to college and was walking down the hall in my dorm and guess who I saw?  Yep, her.  She was heading my way and she smiled and said hi.  I was insecure and a bit paranoid about why she would be nice to me.  I snubbed her.  I really snubbed her good.  It didn't feel that good, but hey!  I got her before she got me.  Right?

Months later we became friends.  We became kind of like best friends.  She asked me why I had been so mean that day and I told her.  She told me that she was so homesick that day and was happy to have seen a face she had seen before.  I had made her cry - and I had made her homesickness worse.

I felt really bad and I thought about that for a long time.  I realized that I didn't know her.  I didn't know what she was thinking.  I didn't let myself know how funny and smart she was - not until later.  

I guess, Jill, I was lucky.  I got another chance - and I learned to not let my fears influence how I react to other people.  Life is kind of about taking a chance.  What is the worst thing that can happen if we open up to people and they hurt us?  We get hurt, we heal and we learn a bit more each time.  But, see, we grow because we tried - they will remain the same because they can't be trusted and people will see that.

Not sure that I even came close to hitting the mark of helping you, but this is what came to mind when I read your request for advice.

Go for it.  Don't be ruled by fear and intimidation.  Just be yourself and be open to being friends.


A
The Shadow in Blue
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since 05-18-2006
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EL, Michigan


2 posted 04-06-2008 09:18 PM       View Profile for The Shadow in Blue   Email The Shadow in Blue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Shadow in Blue's Home Page   View IP for The Shadow in Blue

Thanks for the advice Alison, I appreciate it.

You know, it's kind of funny, I always know what I should do, but I can never follow my own advice. It seems like I listen/talk better to a third party than my family and friends because I don't know them as well and probably won't see them long enough for them to internalize and possibly judge me.

For an 18 year old i'm kinda fickle when it comes to matters of the heart. I quess when it comes down to it I fear being not in control, if that makes any sense.
It's like my senses/emotions go on overdrive otherwise. And ironically, must of the time aforesaid issues are my fault. You'd think I'd learn from my mistakes, but that is not always true.

The thing is, I guess I'm always in this self imposed limbo with deviation and I should just move on and let go of my inhibitions.

Good thing I'm going to college next year because that is definitely going to force me to be me to the fullest.

[This message has been edited by The Shadow in Blue (04-06-2008 09:50 PM).]

Alison
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3 posted 04-06-2008 10:03 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Hi Jill,

First, I really love your name - always have loved that name.  I know what you mean about opening up to third parties.  Maybe that is why advice columnists and such are so popular.  Maybe that is why we turn to boards like this one.  We can toss our thoughts and questions out there - edit them too before we hit send.  Don't you ever wish you could edit your words before you speak them out loud to friends and family?  I am like ... wait, let me hit the backspace here!

I think we all can offer our thoughts easier than listening to ourselves.  I know that I go full-charge and never have the conversations in my head like we are having here.  Maybe I will learn that talent someday.  Or maybe we are just those emotional kind of people who let it out and try to hold back so we don't spill out all over (no, I am not talking cleavage here but .. damn, you should have the girl I saw today.  Some third party shoulda recommended she NOT wear that shirt.  Wait.  I am getting sidetracked.  I do that a lot).

It's nice 'talking' to you.

Alison
serenity blaze
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4 posted 04-06-2008 11:07 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

<--that's me beaming achoo

Because after reading your question I was a bit taken aback, wondering if I'd had a daughter I'd forgotten somehow.

I ramble too. I too, am like, instantly intimate with total strangers, I have twenty minute conversations with cashiers (I'm working on that--my apologies to the folks who have waited in line behind me) and well, did I mention that I ramble?

I was just thinking that yours is a tough question, because basically you're asking how to judge the character of someone. I still have problems with that.

A friend told me once it's like I'd walk into a lion's den saying "here, kitty kitty..."

After some thought, I decided I like that part of me and I'd keep it. Making that decision I understand that there will be many people who will be put off by it too.

So I had to make another decision.

I decided that it's okay if people don't like me. I mean, there's always going to be someone--and you may never know why they don't like you, either. It could be pheromones. It could be you remind them of someone else that bugged them long ago. (I try to keep in mind other people have their own issues as well.)

But I'll try to get to the point. I decided that I no longer needed validation by other people. The closer relationships in my life, of course, I want that to stay. So the second conscious decision would be that I would work on those.

When my own life veered dangerously out of control, I had to stop and take inventory.

So now I make a list of things that bother me. Then I scratch off everything I can control. Usually what is left is just...ME.

And yanno? I don't just write people off forever--because if I believe it's possible for me to change then it is also possible for them.

It's been said, "trust your instincts." But when your instincts have been programmed into a reactive behavior that can be problem. But you're an interesting, intelligent and vivacious young lady. I can't imagine that your Q factor would be a major problem, because I tend to think that it would be that somebody else's loss if they "fell out" with ya.

Remember--you are already valid. You don't need their approval.

HUGE hugs! (see? you've charmed me already!)

Falling rain
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Small town, Illinois


5 posted 04-07-2008 12:03 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Well just saying i know how you feel.

But there is sort of a dfference between guys and girls emotionally venting. I'll explain for the guys way cause i don't know completely how girls react lol but...

First off Guys have problums in this area due to the whole macho masculenilty. And its hard and difficult to open up to someone else.

And other guys its easier for them cause there more emotional and intuitive (like me).

But for the other "macho" guys its hard cause they want to express but its hard to trust someone. You know? I don't know you might not. But its this problum that we have to get over. Trust is a major thing that we hold dear in a society. And if that trust is broken its hard to forgive.

Bt you just got to pick up the peices and learn ot trust again. And if that person you were talking about is not that kind of person that would be understandable. i'd suggest to find someone else. But give it  shot! It doesn't hurt to try! It might seem like it does at first but knowing the fact that you were able to try and "take the leap" Its sort of builds courage...

THis is from a guys point of view. I dont know if that would help in your case. But if it does then Great! But if it doesn't then im sorry i couldn't help but i tryed. Didn't i? I "took the leap" and tryed.

Well i have to go hopefully i was of any help.


      

~Zach~


Bob K
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6 posted 04-07-2008 04:23 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K



Dear Shadow in Blue,

                (1)         Everybody rambles when they try to work things out.  It's incomprehensible because you haven't had a chance to look it all over and see how it fits together.  You have to get it all down first and then see which piece comes first, what's second, what less important, what's more important.  You try it a couple of different ways until it starts to make more sense than it did before.

     You always have to start off with your confusion, though.  If you weren't confused, why would you even want to get things straightened away in the first place?  There'd be no reason at all.  You need to be flustered to want to start the whole ball rolling.

(2)     Unnatural paranoia?  What is "unnatural paranoia?"
Almost every time a person is "paranoid," which most of the time means "suspicious," there SOMETHING there that's causing it.  It may not be the exact thing that we think is the cause, but most of the time there is SOMETHING and exactly what it is deserves to be identified and the reality behind the feeling of suspicion needs to be accounted for.

(3)     One of the things that is most helpful for folks in your situation, I hear, is conversations with other women.
Allison and Serenity both sound as though they have a lot of wisdom about this sort of thing.  Talking with guys can be helpful, too; but if you're nervous about "trust issues" you may find talking with other women to be simpler at the beginning.  These are folks who are going through or who have already been through the same situations that you're trying to navigate now.  You'll notice that Allison and Serenity seem like pretty solid, talented and humane ladies.  

4)
quote:
  
Basically, the main (knowingly unfounded) insecurity is people don't give a damn about me. Now as stated above I know that's not necessarily true, but due to past betrayals in my early youth it's been reinforced ten times over.



     You know the first sentence isn't (necessarily) true.  You say so in the second.

     Actually, the truth is probably that some specific people don't and some specific people do.  Each of those groups have names attached to them.  Regardless of the situations in your childhood, there are still people on the list of those who care for you.  You can write those people down on a piece of paper and when you get this particular idea, you can pull out this piece of paper and read it aloud.  You can make a point of adding to it when it become clear to you that the list needs the additions.

     This has nothing to do with betrayals in the past.  This has to do with how you keep score in the present.

5)     "Masochism?"  Stop calling yourself nasty names, Shadow.  I see no evidence that you get sexual gratification from pain.  I've known and dealt with sadists and masochists and, offhand, I don't actually remember any of them that would describe themselves as "a friendly, proud chatterbox."  I'm not saying it's impossible, mind you, I'm simply saying that the thought makes me chuckle.  You do suffer, clearly.  But you're too straightforwardly nice to be a masochist.

6)  There's nothing terribly wrong with being a nice normal neurotic person who's afraid to open up to other people because they're afraid to be hurt again.  It is very normal, and it is very normal to be very worried about it.

     There's a story about the Buddha.  A woman came to him with absolute inconsolable sorrow.  She'd lost a daughter and had been in deep deep mourning for years.  It was ruining her life.  She demanded that he help her.  She wanted him to bring back her daughter, and he agreed to do so if she could accomplish one task for him.

     She was to visit each house in the city, and from each house that had not had to deal with death, she was to bring him a single mustard seed.  When she brought him three mustard seeds, he would bring back her daughter.

     She returned, in the version I remember, a year later, empty handed, no longer frantic, unable to bring him a single mustard seed from anyplace in the city.  

     I think this must be the way of things as well for people who think they can avoid a broken heart.  There is no dwelling in the city that doesn't house a heart that hasn't suffered from it at least once.   It is very normal.
  

The Shadow in Blue
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since 05-18-2006
Posts 488
EL, Michigan


7 posted 04-07-2008 12:31 PM       View Profile for The Shadow in Blue   Email The Shadow in Blue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Shadow in Blue's Home Page   View IP for The Shadow in Blue

*Since I recent surge of advice I shall have to bullet my responses lest I ramble on in a...liberating manner  
**Sorry if I generalize too much in this post oh English God
***Sorry if I repeat myself in the following responses, but I thought I should respond to all of you.    

Alison-
1)I must say you rock Alison. You seem to actually comprehend the wavelength i'm on that is awesome (sidenote:what a lame word, but I just got up-don't ask ^_-)
2)I totally get your point on the Dear Abby/3rd party surge and to me it seems kind of ironic that we trust third party's  more than our friends/family especially when they know us best. But I guess that is because we as a society-or a portion of it-don't always-at times-see the clarity in our lives.
3)Lastly, I totally get the whole...composure point because we sure don't want to spill out like those unfortunate gals, emotionally I mean
4)You know what's odd-how the heck do people-such as myself-expect to not spill out at some point when we try to keep our composure. I mean damn, people can be so blinded at times
5)Thanks for replying Alison. Oh and my name totally is a bore at times-trust me when I say that "a jill by any other name is just as sweet"

serenity blaze-
1) Serenity you are one of the most tender- hearted and sweet people I have ever had the privilege to "talk" to. Wow...is that not odd-in a good way mind you. Back in 2006 I'd have never thought that joining this site would actually impact me in any way aside from developing my poetry "skillz." Man I sure was wrong. Anyways-much like Alison, you were so sweet and understanding with your reply and you really made me "see," in context what my problem really was. That's deep, especially for an..."amusing" character such as myself.

**sidenote:sorry guys *sheepish grin*, apparently even bullets don't quell the kryptonite that is my rambling.
...
2) I liked your ideas when it came down to listing my...grievances (for lack of a better word). It makes sense. (Digression alert) How odd is it that normally logical people can just throw all reason/perspective aside when they are stressed. It's like we (sometimes) lose our heads completely when blown off course.
3)Now that I think about it, the more that I realize your right. Why the heck should I let those chumps get to me? Hell, I deserve better. It's kind of odd that we sometimes forget ourselves when people/situations deem it necessary to cut ourselves down. It would seem that we should always be confident in ourselves, but I guess that's why we're human
4)Lastly, Serenity you make me smile. Thanks, I really needed your pick me up.
*HUGE hugs back*

Falling rain-
1)Yes you did "take the leap" Zach and thanks for that. Oh,but, before I go any further how is the bottom of the Ocean exactly *chuckles*
2)You basically summed up the the gender partisan emotional rollercoaster in a peanut-sized package. I applaud you. And yes I do kind of relate to the guy's perspective. Thanks for the reality check.
I really needed that.
3)So yes, you did try and you succeeded my friend. I bow down to your straightforward skill (as you have probably seen I am not so...focused all the time.)

Bob K-
1) Well, I believe that I have found the Piptalk equivalent to a competent/intuned Dr. Phil-and what a find that is.
Anyway, you are so right on the whole normalcy front when it comes to heartbreak. Buddha sure was a philosophical giant when it comes to matters of humanity.
2)Agian, yes I understand the whole...scorecard analogy-I guess at times I forget myself. Oh and to expand upon the whole masochistic "thang" I was using the more general definition summed up as self-defeating. I won't have none of that deriving pleasure scpeel-nosiree.
3)Again, I must say the list idea is a superb idea,I don't know if its for me, but I'll try my hand at it. It seems like it works, so why not.
4)Lastly, I have never heard the phrase "nice normal neurotic person" used and it makes me chuckle. I'm sure it makes sense sort of, but to me I can't seem to believe they go together all the time. They probably do and your probably right, but to me its just hard to believe.



Merci Beaucoup and A bietot!
Jill
Falling rain
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8 posted 04-08-2008 10:52 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

haha the bottom of the ocean is pretty nice. Sort-of wet and occasionally theres sharks and killer fish and the tropical storms but its all good *chuckle*

glad that i was of help.

~Zach~


Penwing
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since 07-27-2009
Posts 73
Waverly, MN


9 posted 07-29-2009 10:55 PM       View Profile for Penwing   Email Penwing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Penwing

I must say that as I was reading this I felt like I was reading MY personality.

Heres what helps me whenever I start feeling as you do i simply Put on the attatude that Im gonna just be myself and everyone who doesnt like it can go to hell.
now mind you me being myself has gotten me called a range of names not stopping at gay. (which im not) but you know what once i told all the negative people in my life to bite off and focoused on the positive ones I learned that I could open my heart and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back

Dont know if ive been much help if you ever need to talk feel free to e-mail me.

      best wishes,
          ,Alex
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